Marriage: (Part 3) Intimacy

Note: I apologize in advance but if you are a young reader, this post and tomorrow’s post probably aren’t going to be for you yet at this point of your life. Unless you are married or about to be married, please skip this article and the next for now. My regular content will resume on Tuesday …

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This post was one I was hesitant to write about because I don’t want to get off centered or be too detailed; I do not wish to be controversial or talk about taboo subjects....However, I truly feel like this is one area of marriage that is under the attack of the enemy! He know that if he can mess us up in this area of our marriages, he can often do some major damage in our homes.

Due to its sensitive nature, this topic IS often taboo. You don’t hear it discussed much in the church world. It isn’t something you hear preached from the pulpit very often—especially in mixed company. On the other hand, we are being bombarded by this topic by the world...our children are being taught about sexuality in the most unholy ways! We, as people of God, must stand our ground and push back against the tide of immortality, lust, and sensuality that the world is trying to push down our throats!! It’s high time we dig deep in the Word of God to find out what God says about sexuality and discover how it fulfills His purpose.

So after very much prayer, studying, and a lot of thought, I felt the liberty to go ahead with writing this post...

Hebrews 13:4 KJV

Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.

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Ok, so ...to begin with .... What is God’s plan for intimacy in a marriage??

One of the many reasons Christian people get married is out of a natural desire for a home, a spouse and sexual intimacy. That is perfectly normal! It’s not wrong to want that! God put that desire down inside a person to be attracted to and to desire the opposite sex.

Despite what the world tries to condone, God ordained marriage from the beginning to be a commitment between a male and a female. That truth is an absolute! There are no other alternate lifestyles. God doesn’t make a person attracted to the same gender as they are.

No matter what you hear from this world, marriage, in God’s eyes, is and will always be a covenant between one man and one woman only!!

Like I said, God put the desire for the opposite gender down inside us. God, however, does put boundaries on allowing us to fulfill this desire of sexual intimacy. This act of union is only permissible by God when joined in wedlock. No matter how close to the marriage altar you may be, God never allows any type of physical relations outside the bounds of Holy matrimony. He also only condones intimacy between you and your spouse. Adultery is still wrong. More than two married (to each other) people engaged in intimacy is wrong! Using visual stimulation involving other people to “just spice up” your relationship with your own spouse is still wrong!! Don’t allow the world’s perversion to creep into your marriage bed.

Satan and his crowd have desecrated so many of God’s symbols— take the rainbow for instance— it was given as a sign of God’s promise to man to never again destroy the earth with water. Now, this world has taken a symbol of God’s promise and defiled it and made it a symbol to shamelessly promote an abominable lifestyle!

Likewise, the world has cheapened sexuality to where now it’s become such a casual and often unholy, perverse thing but God intended for intimacy to be part of a covenant between two married people. It is not to be entered into lightly or flippantly. It was to be a special thing!

Intimacy itself, when done God’s way, is a beautiful and spiritual thing. It is a part of God’s original design for marriage. He wanted that husband and wife to have a special bond between them—one that is solely special between the two of them. God wanted the man and his wife to enjoy the gifts of both the emotional connection and the pleasure in sexual intimacy within their marriage.

In an effort to condemn sexual activity outside of maritial bounds, sometimes, we as Christians seem to go in the opposite direction. As a result, newly married couples are often not even properly educated and prepared for their wedding night together, let alone sexual intimacy in their marriage as a whole. It is imperative for us to teach our children the truth according to God’s laws. Our young married couples don’t need to be seeking out the world’s advice and direction in this area. Young couples with legitimate questions concerning intimacy ( that they often are embarrassed or just don’t know how to ask) shouldn’t have to resort to using Google (and risk falling into the cesspool of all the perversion that is being promoted by this world as completely normal and even encouraged!! ) ….We need to be the ones preparing them and mentoring them in this area when they reach that point of life —because if we don’t, the world will be right there to teach them for us !! !

In our churches, many of our young people often receive conflicting messages about sex. They’ve been told it’s immoral, something not to be discussed, and yet on their wedding night, they are expected to suddenly embrace it and become experts overnight with little to no instruction and training on how to have marital intimacy God’s way!

I’m sure being unprepared isn’t the only reason couples struggle with sexual intimacy, but it would greatly benefit the next generation of families if we, as the parents, would teach, instruct, and train those future husbands and wives about marital intimacy as they reach that point in their lives. We should give them the foundation of Biblical truths to build their own homes upon.

....Remember, not only does the Bible forbids sexual relationships outside marriage in any way, shape, or form, but it highly encourages and promotes intimacy within the bonds of marriage. Due to Satan’s lies and due to this world desecrating sex in so many perverted ways, some Christian couples often feel dirty, guilty, and almost ashamed to enjoy this wonderful gift God has given us to enjoy in our marriages. Many couples get saved and they may be carrying the “baggage”. The culture and mindset of this world has been ingrained in their thinking. It is hard to reverse a lifetime of being taught one way and then to go 180 degrees in the other direction. That’s why it’s so important to dig deep in God’s Word to find out what He says about something.

If you ask somebody what they think God’s purpose is for intimacy in a marriage and you are liable to get a variety of answers: pleasure, procreation, love. Those are all true, but what is the greater purpose God intended for sexual intimacy in marriage to serve? And What lifts marital sex out of the sewer of our perverse culture that we see daily all around us?

The first purpose of sexual intimacy in marriage is to bring God glory. If all creation and mankind was created to bring God glory, then it should not come as a surprise that God ordained intimacy in marriage to bring His glory as well. God created Adam and Eve in His image, placed them in the garden, and told them to be fruitful and multiply, bringing Him glory in everything. A marriage in harmony is such a delight to God. He loves when we “just take Him at His Word,” and do things the Bible way in each aspect of our lives!

Like I said in a earlier post, God wants marriage to reflect His image. God desired for marriage to be more than a physical union; but also, to be a spiritual and emotional union as well . This intimate union mirrors the one between God and His Church. It mirrors the union between Jesus and mankind, as one flesh. He wanted marriage to be an avenue for His glory! The ultimate purpose and meaning of marriage is simply this —it is God's gift to us, designed to bring us joy and Him glory. Marriage was a vital piece of God’s design in creation to point people back to Him.

Genesis 2:24–Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh....

God designed sexual intimacy in marriage to be a regular thing...not a once a month, or a few times a year thing.

1 Corinthians 7:3-5 —–3) Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.4) The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. 5) Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.

Proverbs 3:27–Withhold not good from them to whom it is due, when it is in the power of thine hand to do it.

Well, ladies... this is one commandent that is pretty much black and white. I have heard women flippantly laugh and almost brag about how they control their husband by dangling the “privilege” of intimacy over their husband’s head. When I hear stuff like that, I only shake my head at this attitude... They don’t understand the precious gift that they are destroying!!

Others approach this part of their marriage like it is a dreadful chore that they have to just endure every few months or so. In today’s Society, with this #MeToo culture, the world has put intimacy solely in a woman’s court. They claim it is her body—her choice and she has every right to decline or refuse her husband no matter the reason. They have made the natural desire for a man to have sexual intimacy with his wife into something akin to him being an animal with animalistic desires.

They have validated the woman to dictate the if, when, where, and how marital intimacy should be approached in a marriage with little regard to the man and his needs...When a wife is emotionally detached from her husband and is constantly refusing his advances, her marriage is treading on dangerous ground. ⚠️

While a wife’s refusal to be intimate and her detachment in a marriage is absolutely No excuse for the man to give in to sin/temptation, is there any wonder that adultery, pornography, self-pleasure, emotional affairs, sexual immorality, and the such is at an all-time high in America?

God already knows what will work in a home! He wanted us to recognize that regular intimacy and emotional connection between a man and his wife is crucial in a marriage. He wanted us to realize that, in order to keep temptation and Satan out of your marriage, you have to be vigilant in the area of intimacy. Give due benevolence (or be intimate!) ! Don’t defraud one another... (withhold sex)

Sexual connection within the bonds of matrimony was put there by God to prevent and overcome Satan’s temptations to participate in sexual immorality outside of marriage.

This verse teaches us that both husbands and wives have an obligation to the other, as part of their commitment of marriage, to be sexually available to each other. The connection between man and woman in a Christian marriage is pictured as being so close and intimate that neither has the authority over his or her own body in this area. That authority belongs to the spouse. This verse also phrases this as a command, not a suggestion.

Since love is defined by self-sacrifice (Ephesians 5:25), that does not give either spouse justification to "force" themselves on the other. But neither does it justify withholding yourself from the other. Both husbands and wives are being commanded, and this service to each other is meant to reflect the self-sacrificing love of Christ. It requires putting the other person first in all areas of life.

This verse also implies an underlying Biblical rule of marriage : sexual union is suppose happen on a regular basis. The only exception being that by mutual consent, sex may be put on hold temporarily for a short time while the husband and the wife devote themselves to prayer for a time. To be clear, this passage, however, does not imply that a person can't be devoted to prayer on a day they engage in sex with their spouse. They aren’t mutually exclusive. One or the one... Instead, the text seems to be describing a specific or special devotion to prayer, perhaps during a time of fasting or religious ritual as was common in that day.

Once that time of devotion is concluded, however, sexual activity should resume in the marriage. God (who created us human beings!) recognized those who experience strong sexual desire will struggle with self-control after a while. He also knew that Satan would take advantage of that struggle to tempt that person with sexual sin. God wanted to help us flee sensual temptation by providing a way for escape by allowing us to have that gratification in our spouse...

1 Corinthians 7:2 —Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband

Proverbs 5:15-19—15) Drink waters out of thine own cistern, and running waters out of thine own well. 16) Let thy fountains be dispersed abroad, and rivers of waters in the streets. 17) Let them be only thine own, and not strangers' with thee. 18) Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. 18) Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love.

That seems pretty plain to me...God was talking to the husbands here— get your sexual intimacy from your wife— her alone and no one else!

God’s design for sexual intimacy in marriage is to serve your spouse with sacrificial love. Being available and meeting your spouse’s needs is perhaps one of the biggest ways the enemy will try to wiggle his way in your marriage if you let him...You must be on guard to never allow him place here!! Too many women have given him a vacancy right here, and He has moved in permanently... Don’t look at this as a chore or something to be ashamed of — partake joyfully! Give yourself to your husband freely—without stipulations or a hidden motive! Nothing will be bless your husband any more than for you to be a willing and enthusiastic participant!! God gave you and your spouse a precious gift!! He wanted you both to enjoy it!!

Intimacy in a marriage is more than just a physical union of bodies. It is more than a physical release. True intimacy is beautiful! When done God’s way, it builds such an emotional connection in your marriage between you and your spouse. Marital sex fosters a deep, loving intimacy between a lover and his beloved. It’s more than an act ! It is more than a physical connection. It is being “one in spirit!”God will greatly bless your home if you will strive to do it His way and build up intimacy in your marriage.

In this world, there is so garbage written for women—all this romance and erotic literature—and many women fall prey to their emotions and soak up this sewage like a sponge...

These fantasy reads make intimacy into something that God never intended it to be. Satan, being the master of deception, has even slipped some of it into our churches among our holiness women under the guise of just being a “Christian romance” book— over the years, I’ve heard holiness women justify these types of books — they claim they are clean— they stop “just in time— before anything gets too graphic”, but women who read these kind of books and allow this deceptive filth to be invited into their mind will never find a true lasting, emotional connection with their spouse because they are looking for a sensual, make believe fantasy!

Their husbands will never measure up to the “testosterone fueled heroes” described in the pages of most of those types of novels. Most real men aren’t full of beautiful, flowery words that make you swoon and make your heart just melt to your toes...Our husbands are real flesh and blood men! They sometimes stumble over their words. They often have trouble expressing their intense devotion for us ladies. Because of this, many of them fail to express their love openly. They may never be “oh so romantic!“ but that’s ok—look around you—if your husband is a God fearing man and he loves you—his love for you may be expressed in many nonverbal, indirect ways all the time!!

Unfortunately, women read stuff like that and then they compare their husband to how the guy in the book behaved or acted. Their poor husbands will never measure up !! There are no perfect men! They are humans ! It is easy to write a book and have the man be attributed with all the perfect qualities desirable in the male species but it is just that —a fantasy!

Just as pornography is deadly temptation that will bind a soul in spiritual and emotional chains, It is equally dangerous for us women to fill our minds with such garbage and allow these fantasies to set our expectations of men!

We must fall back at the altar of grace and realize our need to be cleansed from all the impurities of this world’s philosophy and their agendas. We must set right expectations as ordained in the Word of God! If you find yourself always disappointed with your spouse, and always having a critical spirit toward your mate, you may want to take a step back and look at your expectations. Are you possibly envisioning much too high expectations for your spouse? If your expectations are kinda unattainable, is there any wonder he can’t fulfill them?

However, I have been married long enough now to realize that there are seasons of life. There will always be those ebbs and flows of a relationship. Those few “honeymoon” years don’t last forever!! You will come back down to earth lol 😂 Sometimes, the “fire” in our marriages will burn bright while other times, it may be just on warm like glowing embers of a simmering flame. That part is normal! It’s just life! We get older and our bodies change somewhat —other times, we get busy and things get crazy at times. But don’t forget, sometimes, in order to work on and strengthen your marriage, you need to fan those embers and allow the fire to burn again.

Make spending quality time together as a couple a priority! Fan that flame! Be silly together! Laugh! Have fun! Enjoy each other’s company! Talk about stuff—anything and everything!! Dream together—what is your 5 year vision for your home? Use some conversation starter questions if you have trouble in the beginning. You may need a little jump start to get the conversation flowing but the more you practice communicating, the easier it will become…

Remember, in order to have a good home, you must maintain it!!

Disclaimer: I know there are medical issues that some people may experience, and other difficulties that make intimacy in a marriage more complicated…My husband and I have experienced different things throughout our marriage on occasion but nothing yet for us have been long term issues so I am not going to go there and say much on that, seeing I have absolutely no real personal experience dealing with any complicated medical problem, emotional trauma, abuse or any major complex issues…

I am no expert, counselor, or doctor.

(If you find yourself in any of these situations, talk to your doctor and ask for advice. Ask a trusted friend or mentor that may have encountered such issues. Find someone who can help! Don’t just give up! This special bond of connection between you and your spouse is worth fighting to find a solution for!

Don’t allow your marriage to suffer just due to your unwillingness to look for a

solution! Pray and ask God to guide you to find answers you desperately need! )

I do know that as we are working through problems in our marriages ( especially, when dealing with intimacy) communication is key! You and your spouse can work through anything if you both will communicate—talk it out. Have patience with each other! This is an area where men and women both sometimes feel very vulnerable. Don’t belittle your struggling partner. Don’t make fun of your spouse or say hurtful things in reaction to their rejections of your ardor or their reluctance or avoidance of any intimacy . Talk out the problem. Figure out what is the actual issue…Work together to find a solution. Don’t allow the enemy to rob you of this powerful part of your marital relationship.

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I hope you all didn’t think I was too forward even writing this article. I was kinda nervous about broaching this topic at all —I tried my best to be very tactful while still getting the point across. I have felt a burden on my heart for a while to add this topic in the mix as well. I know the Devil has tried to trip some people up in this area …but I believe we as women can allow the Lord to equip us with wisdom and knowledge to understand the importance, the purpose and the result of Godly intimacy in our marriages. We can take back Godly purity! We can take back “right living”! We can take back intimacy in our marriages! We just have to be willing to be a vessel He can use ….

Just try it!! Determine to “🔥 fan the flame 🔥 ” in your home!! Give of yourself—serve that husband with a willing and a joyful spirit! You will be amazed at the difference you will see in your home! God’s ways will always yield the best results!!

—Tiphanie❤️ PS —sorry it was so long —I was just trying to limit having to have too many posts with an age disclaimer…