Disclaimer: Before I get started, I know that everyone may or may not even celebrate Valentine's Day. But hear me out... whether you do celebrate the actual holiday or not, bear with me... I believe the principles discussed in this post still are valid and needful in our marriages and in our homes every day of the year!
So without further ado, let's dive in....
I don't know about your own personal experiences (if you have only been married a short time, you may not relate here yet, but believe me, it is coming. Let me warn you) but I've been married enough years now to know that preconceived notions and expectations of Valentine's Day and other special occasions have a tendency to get out of hand if we aren't careful.
What are you talking about, Sis Tiphanie?
Well, if you are like the average wife (that has been married for a while), I'm sure you will agree with me--looking back over the years, some Valentine's Days, anniversaries, or birthdays have been super special or memorable to us while other years, well... It seems as if the whole day ended up as a disappointment. (Or worse... if it caused an argument or discord in the home)
As the newness and giddiness of being married wears off, it seems that, sometimes, if we aren't careful, our expectations of what we think that holidays or special occasions should look like seems to increase. We won't come right out and say that but it is true. For the first several years of marriage, for most, it is enough to just be married to your favorite person, but unfortunately, time has a way of dulling the sparkle of relationships unless we are vigilant to prevent that from happening. As time goes by, we start to get discontent if our husbands don't "go all out" for our "special day". We feel like we are not getting the appreciation we need. Like our husbands don't care enough...
Why is that?
Is love really all about what is done for us?
Is it really all about what plans we have or what activities our husbands have lined out for us to enjoy? Is "celebrating our love" really all about receiving lavish gifts?
Is it that we have much too high expectations and our spouse and his efforts (or his complete lack of effort, in some cases!) doesn't live up to our fantasy idea of this celebratory day of love? (Simply having wrong expectations of our mate is often the catalyst for marital discord!)
Is it that we are selfishly seeking our own validation and fulfillment through the actions of our partner?
Are we are placing undue pressure on our spouse to "show us their love" on Feb 14th or on our anniversary or birthday?
Does it even go deeper than that?
Have you ever stopped to think about Valentine's Day through the lens of Christ?
Most of us, I would dare to say, have never really given it much thought. We have always just deemed February 14th as a day set aside to celebrate the relationships with those we love.
BUT what if this year, we decide to look at February 14th a bit differently?
How can we do this?
Well, to begin with--
Let's start by looking at Jesus Himself and examining what His love looked like.
Jesus didn’t gift anyone beautiful flowers or decadent candies wrapped in fancy paper. He didn't write flattering words of affirmation in a romantic card and send it to someone. We don’t read anywhere in Scripture about him commissioning any camel-drawn carriage rides, nor of him purchasing elaborate, expensive gifts to bestow on those He loved.
Yet… despite him never doing the typical celebratory (almost expected!) things associated with a typical American Valentine's Day.... when we think of Jesus, one of the very first qualities that comes to mind is .....
LOVE !!
(I know --even mentioning that just sounded kinda crazy. We would never, ever expect JESUS to partake in such silly holiday traditions, yet, for some reason, we automatically have come to expect it from our spouses.)
But the fact of the matter is this: Jesus didn't need to do any of those Valentine's Day traditions to show those around Him how much He cared .... He was already revealing His love for them by his everyday actions.
How did he demonstrate his love?
He washed the feet of those He loved. He served, fed, taught, and ministered to those in need. He wept with those that mourned. He healed the sick and the afflicted. He restored lives. He was a friend to the sinner. He changed people's hearts and lives.
But most importantly, the ultimate demonstration of HIS love was seen on Calvary's hill....when he willingly laid down His own life-- paying the penalty of sin once and for all so that you and I might go free; That man might have restored fellowship with God; That we could escape eternal damnation; That we could have everlasting life! Wow! What LOVE!!
When we adopt Jesus' example to define the meaning of true love, our perspective and outlook will definitely take a turn in a different direction when we look at LOVE in our own marriages.
Those everyday acts of service that our husbands do simply out of love will begin to look more attractive to us. Instead of taking them for granted, we will begin to appreciate the little things that, in reality, mean so much!
That sounds like an attitude adjustment we all could use, doesn't it?
So what can we do to change our attitude and our view on how LOVE is shown in our homes?
First, we must realize just how much we are loved by God.
When we realize how we are loved by the God of all Glory, we won't need any other validation of our worth. When we are confident in who we are in Him, the less affirmation from others we will crave.
(Oh, don't get me wrong, we ALL like to hear words of affirmation from our spouse. It is a necessary and vital part of marriage. I highly advocate the practice of praising your spouse regularly as a marriage building tool. But what I am saying here is, that if my heart is in tune with God and I have everything in proper focus, it will be a blessing to me when my spouse goes above and beyond or peppers me with praise and affirmation instead of it being something I MUST have in order to feel happy and fulfilled.)
There is a difference.
I remember growing up, a wonderful Godly woman who was married to a devil of a husband. I am quite confident that her husband didn't sing her praises nor was he even kind to her, most of the time. She would come to church and he would threaten her as she would leave. When she returned home, often, the door would be locked and he wouldn't let her in the house. As a result, there were nights that she slept on the porch. In the morning, her husband would open the door and she would go into the kitchen and make him breakfast as if nothing happened. She was always singing or humming a tune. Can you imagine how confusing this kind of response would have been to her sinner husband? Cheerfulness, joy, and service in the face of disrespect and meanness?? How could this dear saint of God carry on like this? She was human just like the rest of us. I'm sure she didn't like her husband's actions and was hurt by his behavior. But I am confident the reason she was able to carry on is simply this--- she had her mind on a much higher goal. She had her focus on Christ. She was viewing her husband and her home through the lens of Christ. She knew her actions was the only Bible her husband would ever read. She wanted her husband to see Jesus in her. She was secure in who she was in the Lord. She didn't need her affirmation or validation solely from her husband. She knew if she was pleasing the Lord, in His time, the Lord would work on her husband. Wow! What faithfulness!
So, Why should I look to God alone for my affirmation?
He created us! He loves us! He is the sole reason for our existence. ( Even our marriages were meant to be a reflection of His love for His church.) We were created to bring glory to Him! We are children of the King. We have been redeemed! We are a chosen people! We have a mansion awaiting in Heaven!
When we look to God and align with His purpose, it changes us inside. Our outlook, our desires, our values, and our views will begin to change. We will begin to look at things differently. We will begin to work to view everything through the lens of Christ. He will be our focal point through which everything else will pass.
When we become more like Christ, our own selfish desires and expectations have to take a backseat. Holidays and anniversaries become much more relaxed and way less stressed. (Often, they will become more enjoyable too!) These special events no longer have to be picture perfect displays of our romance or our marriages anymore. We can be content, instead, knowing we have been bought with a price! Our self worth and validation comes purely through knowing that we are secure in Christ and in the finished work He has already completed to redeem us. We can have confidence, come what may, that we can have peace and hope despite our present circumstances. We can have assurance that we have a bright future in store!
As a result of adopting this mindset, instead of expecting expensive gifts or showy expressions to convey how much our husband loves and values us, we will begin look for the little things that show how much he loves us each day and every day.
Too often, we even have the wrong motive for wanting our husbands to do or say certain things, anyway. We want our spouses to go above and beyond, bring us flowers, cards, candy, etc and "make over us" so we can in turn use it as a status symbol. In case we need a reminder--the sin of Pride is alive and well in 2023. A snapshot of a beautiful bouquet, a fancy container of chocolates, an expensive gift, etc is easy to post online and share with family and friends. (Some will even make a stab at feigned humility and add.... # blessed 🥰 ❤️ )
Others like to "casually mention" what their hubby bought them and shrug it off like it's a common occurrence or nothing of great importance... in hopes that others will look at them and be like "wow, they must have a really great marriage. Her husband is awesome. Look what he bought her! I wish my husband was more like hers" As fallen creatures with a sin nature, we like to look good in the eyes of others and to even feel superior....
But sadly, sometimes, this kind of attitude can be a stumbling block to others. For an example, let's say there is young married couple who are struggling financially, living paycheck to paycheck... The husband would love to be able to buy his wife flowers, a nice gift, or take her out for a nice meal at some place other than McDonald's, but unfortunately, there isn't a dollar to spare in their budget for frivolous things.
Now let's say, the wife is browsing online and comes across the aforementioned photo #blessed🥰❤️ She sees what other women's husbands have done or bought for them. She begins to feel discouraged and disillusioned in her own home--Like her marriage isn't measuring up to the marriages of others based solely upon appearances. And before too long, discontentment and envy begins to creep in her heart.... But what the young wife doesn't realize is, she already has all she needs! She has a wonderful young husband who is enamored with her but due to circumstances beyond his current control, he physically can not afford to express his love and devotion to her in the monetary sense. His inability to purchase showy items doesn't make him love her any less! (Or make him any less of a great husband!)
What advice could be given to this young wife to help her fight back against the lies of the enemy and help her "shore up" the foundation of her marriage?
I would encourage her that ---Instead of languishing over the lack of gifts or showy proclamations of how much her husband loves and values her, why don't she try to start looking for the little things he does each day BECAUSE he loves her?? I would encourage her to look for ways her husband demonstrates his love for her without ever speaking a word in the physical sense. I would also encourage her seek her affirmation and validation from Jesus first and foremost. Jesus, and only Jesus, can truly satisfy a longing heart.
Many times, our husbands speak their love for us through their acts of service. Most of our spouses work extremely hard to provide for our families. Many of them do a fantastic job of caring for us ladies every day of the year.
Why does your husband come when you scream "Help! A Bug!"? Because he loves you and wants to take away anything that causes discomfort.
(What lady likes bugs?! Thank Heaven for our knights in shining armor who swoop in to save their maiden and kill the dragon--aka a random stink bug who decided to move into the family room. Lol!)
Why does your husband reach out to open the top of a jar that you have tried in vain to open with your own strength? Because he loves you and wants to help you.
Why does your husband take out the trash? Because he loves you and knows you are doing your best to keep the kitchen tidy and an overflowing trash can isn't helping.
Just a few examples above -- these particular ones may or may not apply to your specific marriage (you may be the fearless bugkilling maiden yourself! Lol 😂 ! ) but you get the jest. It's the little things that you may not realize are indeed acts of service that demonstrate love.
Our men are our stability when we are shaken--the rock we run to when we are overwhelmed. They comfort us in our meltdowns. They encourage us when we are down. They help us become a better person. They are there through the good times and the bad times. (No, They aren't perfect, but neither are we! )
If we will take a moment to look around and really take inventory of all the positive things that our husbands bring to our homes, we may be surprised at how much we actually have.
A husband that is faithful. A husband that is loyal. A husband that is Godly. A husband that is loving. A husband that is honest. A husband that wants the best for us. A husband that is considerate. A husband that is sacrificing. A husband that is a hard worker.
Those qualities in a man is worth more than all the flattering cards, all the beautiful flowers, all the fancy chocolates, all the expensive gifts, etc!!
We should always strive to appreciate our husband’s everyday gestures of love way more than just a “once a year” gift on Valentine's Day.
Secondly, we must seek to love like Jesus.
Instead of expecting to be served, we must find ways to serve instead.
As wives and moms, serving our families can seem like it’s all we do, but I challenge you to look for more little ways to “serve in love”. I like to anticipate what my husband needs and have it taken care of it before he even has to ask. I enjoy having his laundry done, folded, and put away, ready for him to use. I love incorporating his favorite meals into the weekly menu plan. I love keeping the house tidy and welcoming so when he comes home, he isn't always greeted by chaos and messes. I enjoy making our home a haven of rest. I like to cultivate a peaceful atmosphere in our home for my husband and my children to enjoy. These little things done in love make a surprising huge impact.
My husband, likewise, does stuff daily that speaks of his love and devotion to me as his wife and also to our family as a whole. He works and provides for us. (He works construction and he often works outdoors in the scorching heat of summer or the blistering cold of winter. He rarely ever complains of this fact. He is grateful for the job God has given him and for the opportunity that he has to be able to provide for us.)
Another say he speaks love to us is through his commitment to eating dinner together as a family . That is one way that he lets us know that we are important to him. Even if he has a side job or extra work of the evening, he makes dinner time with his family a top priority. It is pretty much a nonnegotiable. He WILL be home for dinner. Dinner time has become our time to reconnect as a family and communicate. Because of his commitment in this area, we all look forward to mealtimes as a opportunity to relax, recharge, and enjoy each other as a result.
Challenge:
If you really want to love like Jesus, try reading 1 Corinthians 13 and replace Charity (love) with your name as you read it aloud.
For me:
Tiphanie suffereth long and is kind. Tiphanie envieth not, vaunteth not herself, is not puffed up, dowry not behave herself unseemly, seekers not her own, is not easily provoked, tho let's no evil; rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. Tiphanie never faileth....
Talk about convicting! I fall short of that daily. But I want to strive to attain that kind of character!
Your turn: Replace charity with your name in the underlined spots.
“Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. Charity never faileth: ...” 1 Corinthians 13:4-8
The way we love our family should reflect God's love. We need to show our kids what Jesus’ love means for Valentine's Day and every day in between. We should be cautious not to influence them to have unrealistic expectations in their hearts about their own future romantic relationships because of how we, as their parents, felt and acted in our relationship. We must teach them to look to Jesus for their worth and affirmation first, and then, to look for other demonstrative qualities of love in their spouses, instead of having lofty expectations that usually lead to great dissappointments.
Last of all, we should work on sharing the love of Jesus in all of our relationships.
That may look like reaching out to a friend or a family member who might be alone around special occasions or holidays. Make them a meal and take it to them. Buy them a little "thinking of you" gift. Meet them at a restaurant and buy them lunch--Spend time with them. Just knowing someone cares enough to take the time to be with them can make such a difference for someone who is alone, sad, and lonely on a birthday, anniversary, or a holiday.
All growing up, my own mom displayed this kind of love. Nearly every holiday or event, our table was rounded out with those who would have been celebrating alone had it not been for an invitation to a friend's table. She showed me that caring enough to allow other people to become part of our "family" would greatly enriched our lives! Sharing God's love to others is always rewarding !
Or maybe it’s as simple as sending a card to someone to say-- I’m thinking about you. I’m praying for you. I love you. That takes minimal effort at all, yet, it is liable to make a profound impact on the other person. It may be exactly what they needed to hear at that moment!
Perhaps to you, it may look like being willing to celebrate a holiday or an anniversary differently (or at a earlier/later day) so that you can be a blessing/help to others.
(My parents have always modeled this in the most Christ centered way. They have been willing to celebrate many holidays and even their own anniversary (my brother and his wife share the same anniversary date with my parents) on a different day that it actually falls on so they could be available to babysit their grandchildren so us kids and our spouses could have an opportunity to have a child free evening or weekend to spend together. What a blessing to us! Yet, it is a sacrifice of love for them! )
There are countless way to share the love of God, especially among those of whom you are close with like your own family. Look for opportunities to serve your loved ones. Love like Jesus!
So in closing, just to recap, how can we have a proper Valentine's Day this year as viewed through the lens of Jesus?
Eliminate all expectations of how we should be treated and what we should be given. Wrong expectations always lead to relationship troubles!
Realize our worth is in God alone. He is the standard by which to judge ourselves. He loves us with an everlasting love that will never lessen or change.
Seek to love like Jesus.
Strive to serve others
By setting our hearts on these goals instead seeking to gain the perfect Valentine’s Day gift or experience, we can influence our marriages, families, and friendships for the better...
Loving like Jesus is the very best way to celebrate this Valentine’s Day.
Happy Valentine's Day!
Disclaimer:
There is absolutely nothing wrong with celebrating Valentine's Day with gifts, a nice meal, flowers, candy, etc....if you and your spouse are doing any or all of those things, congratulations ! That's wonderful! I hope everyone has a delightful holiday!
This post isn't trying to discourage you from doing any of the traditional Valentine's Day things, but rather, it was meant for the person that may be disappointed because their envisioned celebration isn't happening the way they imagined or they are constantly measuring their worth by what their spouse does or does not do or say.
This post was meant to be an encouragement to look beyond the fluff and see and appreciate what true riches we may actually possess! This advice doesn't just apply to Valentine's Day, either. Whether you are married, in a serious relationship, single, divorced, or widowed, we all can benefit by striving to achieve these goals in any of our relationships. Love like Jesus!
-Tiphanie 💕