It’s really easy to make excuses for NOT going on a date night with your husband (especially after kids come along!) . There seems to be all these “reasons” that pop up in our lives to not make it happen:
It costs too much money.
No one is available to watch the kids
There’s nothing to do around here anyway…
We don’t have the extra time.
It’s not really that important anymore since we are married.
If it’s important, you’ll find a way. If not, you’ll find an excuse. –R. Blair
During busy seasons of life, from time to time in the last 14 years, life has become so chaotic that my husband and I found ourselves neglecting to spend quality time together. Oh, we were still on good terms. We ate dinner together, we went to church together, etc, but something was amiss. After a while, we started to notice that our marriage was starting to lose luster— it seemed more like we were becoming more like casual roommates than like devoted spouses. We began to be snippy with each other and “in a bad mood” for no good reason. Everyday life had us both so stretched in multiple directions that we rarely had time to devote solely to each other…
(Sometimes as couples, I have found that we work so hard during courtship/dating to woo each other and to “get to know each other”, then all of a sudden, after we get married, we get busy and life happens (and kids come along!) and then we start to act like spending quality time together no longer matters. )
Bill and I soon recognized that we had to take some sort of action to prevent us from staying in that “marital rut”. We decided date nights/days needed to become a part of our marriage plan. (Yes, I said Marriage plan! you have to work on your marriage daily!! The best way to improve something, to enrich it, or to reach goals is to have a plan!! Work on a marriage plan for your home! It may surprise you how quickly things look up for your home if you are actively pursuing after a better marriage, or a better home!!)
I totally get that having set date nights is not easy when you have small kids. But I also understand not everyone is in that phase. Maybe your kids are older and you’re busy with other life commitments or work. Maybe you don’t have kids but your schedule is still overfull and you and your spouse seem to just pass each other coming and going.
No matter what your current situation or circumstance looks like at the moment,
take whatever you have and make it work.
Designate at least a few hours each week to reconnect and relax with your spouse.
For those with small kids:
If you are fortunate enough to live near family, consider asking grandparents or other close relatives (or even close friends if applicable) to watch your kids for an evening so you and your husband can take an evening once a month (or even better, once a week!) to spend together as a couple. We are very blessed in this area. My parents recognized the need for this one-on-one time. They volunteered early-on when we had children to allow the kids to stay overnight at "Gramma's and Grampa’s" on Friday nights. This has been such a blessing to our marriage!
Bill and I would go out to eat just the two of us (alot of the time, it was just something simple like Chick-fil-A and we would just eat and talk. We would talk about anything and everything. Just reconnecting and focusing solely on each other with no distractions or interruptions….
(We still do this… when time permits, we like to make both Friday nights and Saturday mornings our special “reconnecting” time. We often go to the lake very early on Saturday mornings and canoe/kayak —it is so peaceful to be with my "favorite" person and see the sunrise over the lake. It often is breathtaking !! (Have I ever told you how much I LOVE a good sunrise or sunset ?? Lol 😂) We can be quiet and just enjoy each other's presence. We can talk about issues or things that are concerning us. Or We can just be silly…and have fun! )
I realized everyone doesn’t have the luxury of having close family or friends to help out but just because you don’t have designated childcare doesn’t mean that you should neglect "couple time" all together. I have read personal stories and other people have told me how they make "quality time" a priority and how they make it work for them.
* One couple put their kids to bed an hour and a half before they themselves went to bed each night. They used that an hour and a half before bed to cuddle, to talk, and to stay connected.
* Another couple would set aside a specific night each weekend after the kids went to sleep to stay up late (provided they didn’t have to work the next day) and cuddle on the couch, share a snack, or a frozen pizza and just talk.
* One woman said her and her husband made a point of listening to the same audiobook together (separately as time permitted for each of them) and then, when they had time to have a mini date night or “catch up” session, they had a specific topic or subject to discuss and review together. They tried to do self help type books, family/parenting, or marriage enriching books to really give them both some good insight and instruction!
The main thing being is to be intentional and just set time aside to spend solely with your mate!!
Date nights don’t have to cost a lot. They can be completely free in fact. I have rented free audiobooks from the library (or downloaded online from their digital app) and we have listened to them together while cuddling on the couch together.
One time, back in the early days when we were strapped for cash, I wanted to make a special date night for Bill. I lugged a set of sawhorses and a piece of board (to use as a makeshift table) into our bedroom (granted, our bedroom is kinda big so there was plenty of room.) I covered it with a nice sheet to make a tablecloth and “shopped” my house to find candles and some nice “decor” to make it seem like we were at a fancy candlelit restaurant. I made some spaghetti and waalaa! Using a little creativity, something as mundane as a normal, easy spaghetti dinner became a special date night because I switched up the normal. We never had eaten in our bedroom before, especially not dinner. So by thinking outside the box, I climbed out of the rut of the mundane… (I dressed in a nicer church outfit and apron and served my husband first before joining him at the “table”) That little escapade was very memorable to us both and it goes to show you, you don’t have to a lot of money to have fun. Bill really appreciated the extra effort I put into our date “night”…
Another time, (I think it may have been Valentine’s Day) we didn’t have the means for a full date night— especially being a holiday. I really got creative. I pulled our mattress off the bed and made a tent out of extra sheets (yes, just like I used to make as a kid. But hey, who doesn’t like blanket forts?) I found some white Christmas lights and strung those up underneath the “tent”. I bought some Chinese takeout ( we used to have a local place that would let you get a ‘buffet to go’ and they would give you three large containers to box up your meal. That was more than enough to feed the two of us. It was very frugal way to get a “restaurant experience” without actually dining there in the restaurant—which would have cost us twice as much to buy individual buffets for us both + drinks) Anyway, I left the kids with my Mom that afternoon so I could focus entirely on Bill. I scattered a trail of roses petals from the door to the bedroom where I had set our “tent”… Needless to say, my hubby was very impressed with my creativity that time lol 😂 but it made a wonderful setting for a great evening of yummy food, talking, laughing, goofing off, and just having fun! We could set aside all the daily distractions and pressures of life and simply focus on each other.
Pack a picnic lunch and venture out into the outdoors for an impromptu picnic…
Visit a lake or park…there are plenty of interesting things to explore if you look for them.
There are tons of cheap or free ideas if you will put in the effort to discover them…it is so worth it to invest in your marriage! it will make your home stronger and even make you both better parents to your kids. Mom and Dad both must be united and “one” to be successful parents!!
Be creative! Be fun! Be unique! Just set aside time to be entirely present for your spouse! Quality time will be the glue that strengthens your marriage! God ordained the home to function this way. We have allowed the world and everyday life to rob us of the simple pleasures of life — our relationships! Let’s allow God to strengthen our marriages.
I challenge you to do this at least once a week for 30 days. (carve out some time and spend 1 or 2 hours each week (or more!) focusing entirely on your mate!) I would venture to say your marriage (and your spouse!) will thank you!! Let’s build up strong homes for the Lord to use!
From my heart to yours,
Tiphanie ❤️
Disclaimer: Don’t get me wrong! I dearly love my kids! I am with them nearly 24/7 constantly. It is a wonderful honor to be tasked with raising children up for the Lord! But just because I am their mama doesn’t mean I must neglect my primary role as my husband’s wife! I am a wife before I am a mother! I know that sounds almost blasphemous…Lol 😂 but hear me out!
(The passage below was somewhat paraphrased from earlier post if it sounds familiar. Lol 😂 )
When the children come along in a home, a husband should not be relegated to the back burner in our lives as wives. I know we are tired. I know we have been worn ragged by all the shenanigans of our little ones but our husbands need us! He doesn't come after the children, he should come BEFORE. One day, our children will be grown and if we have put him after our kids for all these years, don't expect to even really know your husband then. We have to keep our love alive, and that does not happen by neglecting our husbands. We must cherish our relationship. My husband is my very best friend. If we go a while without spending quality time together, I miss him. I enjoy his witty banter, wise counsel, keen insight. I am a better person when I am with him. He is truly my favorite person of all times! I enjoy being His! It’s not a duty or drudgery to “serve” him wholeheartedly. He makes me want to!
So Yes, we are to love our children and take care of them, but always remember, their daddy must come first. I've seen the quote “The greatest thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother” and the same is true for the mother as well. We teach our kids to respect their daddy and how God ordained a home to function by our example. We show them that he is the leader of our household by putting him first BEFORE them. We must NOT buy into the guilt of not being good mothers if we put our husbands first. Yes, we are to love our children, care for them, but we must love their daddy first. We will create a love and respect for their daddy that they will always have. Yes, we are moms, but we are wives first! There is no reason we can't be both and no reason we can't do both jobs well. Our kids need to see Godly marriages in today’s world.