l’ve had this on my heart for the last several days so I decided to share a little more of my story….
(If you know any young lady who would benefit from hearing this story, please feel free to share. If by sharing my story, (complete with all the ugly tears, pain, and struggles) God could use it for His glory and it could be an encouragement to some other confused young lady seeking God’s Will…it would be worth it all to me )
So, without further ado, let’s go back to the time before my husband and I got together….
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I was 17 years old. I had been raised in church my entire life. While I had a small part time job, my goal in life wasn’t to pursue a career or to make a name for myself — my sole desire was to marry a rock solid Christian man and work to become a Godly wife (and eventually a mom.) My dream was to marry a preacher and to be his "helpmeet" and work alongside him for the LORD.
(Side note: Don’t let the world tell you those goals aren’t worthy anymore! God put the desire to become a wife/mom/homemaker deep down inside a woman. If you eventually become a Godly homemaker, you HAVE succeeded in life!! There is NO higher calling for a woman for God! but I digress…)
So, anyway, here I was 17 years old and about to graduate high school… (We homeschooled through Abeka so we went to FL for my graduation) —I had become very close to this older preacher and his wife. They were so influential in my life. I looked at them like Godly godparents/mentors. They even came to my graduation there in in FL. That weekend at my graduation in May, they started telling me about their pastor’s son who was looking for a wife. He was a preacher and actually was a few years older than me. They showed me a picture of him and I was like “mmmm… he’s cute.” Lol 😂 and promptly forgot about it.
They, on the other hand, went home and showed their pastor’s son my picture and told him all about me… A couple weeks later, I came home from work one day and the phone rang and it was their pastor’s son. He had called earlier and talked to my mom and got my parents’ blessing to call me and see if we were compatible to pursue a relationship.
I was flabbergasted. He lived very far from where I lived. I was shocked that he would even consider me. But he was everything I had ever prayed for in a husband… he was a great guy, he was a preacher, he was kind and caring, he was spiritually minded, etc…
Anyway, I fell head over heads for him almost immediately. My parents were very, very conservative when it came to courtship. They chaperoned. They were very involved. They tried their best to help us keep our emotions at bay and help us navigate through the confusing maze of feelings and decisions to actually hear the voice of God to know HIS WILL.
But still, I’m a girl.. and here was this man of my dreams… so yeah, that was very hard to keep my emotions in check…
Like I said, this guy was amazing—everything I had ever wished for in a husband… He came from a great family. I loved his mom! (And she loved me! which is always a huge plus!! 😊)
Due to the distance between us, we were limited in our visits. We talked on the phone for hours to compensate. As we grew closer, there began to be this “elephant” in the room. He was unwilling to relocate to where I lived due to him being his dad’s right hand man. His dad had health problems and his dad needed help pastoring their church. This guy knew one day he would probably be the pastor of the church himself.
I WAS willing to relocate to his location. So when this guy and I began to get serious, my family made the long trip to his house. We had a great time. Like I said, we all loved his family. But there was a small problem, there was a huge difference in the style of worship and type of services I was used to. Don’t get me wrong! They were great, Godly people! They had a wonderful family!! They were very accepting and welcoming of me in their home!
But there was a major difference there in the spiritual aspect. But I blindly ignored this red flag 🚩 because I wanted it to work out so badly. I was convinced that things would change as time passed or either I would adjust.
That was in September, and time went on… we grew even more serious… (despite my mom trying her best to pull back the reins and get me to think with my head instead of my heart. My mom and I clashed heads on several different occasions over this... It wasn’t that she didn’t like the guy! In fact, she truly did. He would even call and talk to her sometimes when I was at work... But she saw other warnings signs that it may not have been God’s will that I stubbornly refused to acknowledge…) I was convinced due to how the relationship began that “it HAD to be God’s Will!!” I didn’t seek this guy out. I didn't even know of him previously... But he was everything I ever dreamed of.. It seemed to be a match made in Heaven.
I truly thought my mom was just having trouble with the thought of me living hours and hours away from her. I didn’t realize, at the time, that she was really looking out for me spiritually.
So, this went on for several more months, and this guy and I began to realize that we were kind of stuck in a stalemate. We needed to proceed to the next step in our relationship if we were meant to be together. The long absences were weighing heavily on us both. I remember it was February—right around Valentines Day—and he was on his way in for a visit… I don’t know how I knew but I knew. This was it. This visit was important. We were about to take the next step in our relationship.
Something I haven’t mentioned yet was that he had been injured as a young teenager and it had left him without his peripheral vision. Due to this issue, he had never been able to get his driver’s license. He felt terrible about it. It made him feel like a burden to others and less of a man. Despite knowing about his issue, for some reason, it never bothered me. I was fine with being the sole driver of the family. The Devil had always told him that he would never find a wife because of his disability, so when I was perfectly okay with it, he said he knew I was the one. (but more on that later…)
Anyway, on the evening before his visit, Mom and I had another confrontation. She, too, sensed this visit was going to be important. She was trying to get me to think rationally instead of with my emotions. I seriously made up my mind right then. If he asked me to marry him the next day, I was leaving. We would have a short engagement, get married, and then off I was gonna go. I was 100% convinced I was getting married! I had no doubts at all in that moment. My dream was finally coming true!
After my mom left my room, my brother came in there. He sat down in my desk chair. (My brother and I were so close growing up— almost like twins. ) He began to talk to me and ask me if this was really what I wanted. He said, "are you sure this is what God wants?" I said, “of course, I’m sure.” He said, “Have you asked Him if it’s His Will?” I was confused by this. Of course I had prayed and prayed about it. But then he said, “Have you asked Him with an open heart? Have you told Him not your will, but His Will be done?”
After a little bit more conversation, he got up and left me to my thoughts. But his words began to eat at me. Had I been open minded to God’s will? Or was I “making” it God’s will in my mind because I wanted it so badly ? God knew that my brother was probably the only one that I would have listened to in that moment. I firmly believe to this day, had it not been for the Lord using him to “get through” to me, my situation would look much different than it does today. Not to say I wouldn’t have done okay, but I definitely wouldn’t have been in the center of God’s Will by following after my own way.
My brother probably didn’t even realize the impact his words had on me but his well placed questions haunted me that night… finally, after wrestling with it for hours…. I got down beside my bed and wept and prayed for God’s Will, not my will… I told God I would accept His will, even if it wasn’t what I wanted.
I didn’t really get an definite answer right then. The next day on Friday, the guy and his family came in and we had a wonderful time of fun and fellowship… on Saturday evening, however, the moment I had both wished for and dreaded came. He asked my parents to talk to me alone…my mom agreed to go in the living room with his mom while we talked at the kitchen table alone. (Little did he know, that she anticipated this move and had angled her curio cabinet which had a mirrored back in the corner of the living room so she could see into the kitchen from the chair in the living room.
lol 😂🤦🏼♀) Anyway, we sat down and he laid out his life plan. He told me about different ministries that he was involved in or stuff he had plans on becoming a part of. He told me about eventually becoming pastor and laid it all out for me. He invited me to become a part of it all as well. He said he wanted me to be his wife and work for the Lord “with him” as his helpmeet…
When I sat down at that table, I fully thought I was going to say yes. When it came time for me to answer, I honestly opened my mouth to agree to be his wife and share his life and his plans but instead, what came out was, "I'm sorry, but I can’t." It was like the Holy Ghost took over and said stuff that I had no intention of saying…I had asked God the night before that if it wasn’t His Will that He would help me and give me wisdom on what to say … I think I was just as surprised as he was at my answer.
That was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do —to look into those baby blue eyes and say “I can’t”…. when my heart/my emotions was screaming all the while…
“I WANT TO!!”
That moment was valuable learning lesson on allowing God to have His Will in my life… God’s Will isn’t always easy, but it is always best!
As I spoke those words, I saw pain, hurt, and disappointment flash across his face. I was crushed. His pain was all my fault. I dearly loved this guy! I wanted to spend my life with him. But my will and God’s will didn’t seem to be lining up. He was so disappointed and was fighting back tears himself. He thanked me for the opportunity to get to know me better, thanked me for our friendship, but said if we couldn’t proceed in our relationship, there was no longer any point of continuing our courtship. By this time, our moms were in there and everyone was crying. He and his family quickly gathered their stuff and left our house. I was heartbroken… I felt as low as low can be. I had crushed both my own heart and his. People tried to console me but there was no comfort to be found.
I dreaded facing everyone, knowing it was all my fault that the relationship had ended. Everyone was gonna ask what happened and I was too emotionally raw to deal with it …Here I was trying to follow God and make a decision based on His Will… yet, all I felt was hurt and pain. I cried and cried…
In the weeks that followed, the Devil really ratcheted up his game. He constantly told me that I had missed the Will of God—That I had allowed people to influence my decision and thus, I had lost God’s intended for me. Then, it got worse… he brought up that not only had I messed up my life, but I had also messed up the guy’s life as well… where he had that driving disability, no one else would ever be interested in him and God had sent me to him and then, I had refused him. This constant mind battle and guilt went on for weeks…. I remember driving to work one morning and just feeling overwhelmed by the constant battle fatigue in my mind. (My papaw -whom I was very, very close to- had also been given 3-6 months to live at this time as well…) I flipped on the radio and a new song I had never heard before was playing — “ I’ll praise you in this storm”. I remember listening to the words of that song and weeping right there in my car. I began to worship and praise from "deep inside my heart" for the first time in weeks, despite “the storm” and how I was feeling at the moment. I felt God's Presence come down right there in my car. I knew He hadn't left me. I wasn't 100% better, but that special moment started my spiritual healing.
Not long after, someone told me-- God is not going to punish you (or him!) for your trying to follow after His Will. If you did make a wrong decision, and you both were suppose to be together, God will somehow put you back together. Maybe, it just wasn't the right timing...Either way, Just keep seeking HIM and TRUST HIM!! He knows what He is doing. He sees the big picture! And if you made the right decision, God will give you a peace about it. Don't despair! He has someone else in store for you and also for him, if you aren't meant to be together.
I took this advice to heart. I prayed for peace about my decision. Despite trying to trust God, like I said, guilt and the devil hounded my mind...especially concerning his disability.
One day in late April or early May, however, I came home and the phone rang and it was him. He said that he wasn't calling to get back together but he felt led to call me and tell me that God had came by and healed him --his peripheral vision was restored. He was able to get his driver's license as a result. I was overjoyed to hear this news. I rejoiced with him!! It brought such a peace to my troubled mind. It brought a bittersweet closure to our broken relationship...God used this miracle to let me know He still had it all under control. That was the moment I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, I had indeed made the right decision and followed after God's Will.
I met my (now) husband in June of that year at the youth camp we always went to every year. He had been there the previous year but I was in a relationship at the time, so I hadn't given him too much notice. This time, however, things were different... READ the rest of our story (linked below--Our story: the early years) to hear about all that...
The guy also met and married another wonderful holiness lady. They now have two little boys. The guy’s father passed away from a heart attack about 4 or 5 years after we broke up, so he did indeed become pastor of their church. And last I heard, their church is growing and doing well.
Just as God had a Master plan for my plan, He also had a plan for the guy’s life as well. My decision to follow after God’s Will helped us both eventually find God’s Perfect Will for our lives. Satan lied to me-- It didn’t ruin our lives!
It helped direct our paths to find the Right One for us both!
God's Will is always better than our will. He doesn't make mistakes. He knows how to put two people together and He knows what it takes to build a successful, Godly home!
On the flip side, I also had a friend who was set to be married. Right before the wedding, a preacher warned her against the marriage. She thought the preacher had missed it. She was marrying a seemingly good, Godly young man who dearly loved the LORD. So, she disregarded the warning with very little prayerful consideration and chalked it up to a crazy preacher's rant. They married and seemed to do well for a while. But a few years after the wedding, trouble set in at their home. Things happened and before too long, her "Godly" husband left the Lord. My friend was heartbroken. All she ever wanted was a Godly home. Her husband ended up leaving her and now, she is trying to continue on alone. Her story breaks my heart... yet, it is a vivid example of how important it is to listen to the voice of God...
God knows what the future holds and sometimes, his "NO" is for our best! He can see down the road; He knows how to help us avoid the pitfalls and traps of the enemy. We just have to be sensitive to listen...
I had that on my heart this week and I just wanted to share my testimony...in hopes that it helps someone who may be going through similar circumstances...I remember how I felt in that moment--when you try to follow after God's will and the Devil tries to tell you that you messed up God's will for your life (and the guy's!) Don't get discouraged! Don't allow guilt to overwhelm you! God has a MASTER plan! Just trust Him and praise Him through the storm! and I echo the advice that was given to me personally....God is not going to punish you (or him!) for your trying to follow after His Will. If you did make a wrong decision, and you both were suppose to be together, God will somehow put you back together. Just keep seeking HIM and TRUST HIM!! He knows what He is doing. He sees the big picture! And if you made the right decision, God will give you a peace about it. Don't despair! He has someone else in store for you and also for him, if you aren't meant to be together.
If I can give any words of advice, don't isolate yourself. The enemy would love for you to do that. It's much easier for him to fight someone who is alone and fighting on their own. Stay close to your mom, dad, or other Godly adults (your pastor/his wife, your youth pastor/his wife) who can help you navigate through these confusing feelings. Another thing I would recommend--Talk it out ! Tell your mom or the adult you are confiding in just what you are thinking. If Satan puts guilt or thoughts of failure/ or missing God's will in your mind, tell someone. Your mom can help you fight the battle much more effectively if she knows what "ammo" the Devil is using against you...Ecclesiastes tells us that Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up.
Despite what we sometimes think, we need others. I know sometimes we may not even know how to put our feelings into words, or feel like we can talk about the swirling emotions we feel inside but knowing someone has our back is so comforting when we are in the middle of a spiritual battle.
Just trust Him in the waiting...Keep doing what you know to do...Be faithful to Him and He will reveal His plan for your life in His Time...
If you need prayer or just someone to talk to you, please feel free to contact me. (Message me and I'll give you my personal cell number...)
Sometimes, it helps just to have someone else say "Hey, I've been there. I am praying for you. You will overcome this trial. Later, you will look back and see God's Hand at work"...
When God works your life out, you will understand that He had another plan for you...
just trust and wait for HIM to "bring it to pass"... He can restore your broken dreams!! and make them better than you could ever have imagined!! I am living proof of that!!
With all my heart,
-Tiphanie ❤️
