Quit living someone else’s life

Have you ever heard the phrase? ... “ Got to keep up with the Jones!”

This phrase is often the cause of the some of the biggest contentions in our marriages—trying to live someone else’s life! What does that even mean??

Well, often, we allow our flesh to become way too active and we look around us and judge our own lives by the outward appearances of the lives of those around us. We think... if I only had their dream house or his new car ...or if I had that job or made that kind of money...or if my husband/wife acted like her husband/his wife...

As a society, social media has become the new standard of judging someone’s life. Women often look at other people’s photos online or photos of their homes/cars/possessions and they themselves begin to feel inadequate—like they don’t measure up. There is a constant barrage of stuff being marketed to us (women especially)... if you don’t look like this, or fit in this size of clothes, you aren’t beautiful. If you don’t use this product, go on this vacation, or you don’t spend X amount on this, you must not be in the “in” crowd.

But dear sister, let me admonish you not to fall prey to this deceptive trap. In Christ alone, You are enough! You don’t need the possessions, products, vacations, houses, cars, fads or any of the temporal things of this world. That stuff does not determine your self worth or the happiness of your home... THINGS never bring happiness!!

I have saw many young people enter into marriage thinking they are going to live happily ever after. They expect to have beautiful homes, new cars, and everything in life they want...They want to have Mom & Dad’s life or so-and-so down the street’s life but in reality, (unless they have an amazing job upfront and were super prepared for a home before marriage) that rarely happens in the beginning... it takes time to build up to a life like that. A lot of times, trying to “live someone else’s life” leads to stress and financial problems- which ultimately leads to marital problems. Unrealistic expectations are one of the biggest roadblocks you will ever encounter in the path of life.

My husband and I started out in a teeny apartment that was more like a glorified hotel room with a kitchenette- We were on such a tight budget. We didn’t have $10 to spare. We had every dollar budgeted for some bill. I remember making handmade Christmas gifts the first few years because we didn’t have the money to buy gifts. In the beginning though, it didn’t matter because we were in love and we were happy to be married!! The Lord began to bless us and soon after, we upgraded to a 2 bedroom apartment then 2 years later, He blessed us to purchase our first real house. We were overjoyed !! But as it goes, in the course of time, after the newness wore off... I began to find myself discontent with my own home...

(especially after our children came along) I began to desire newer, nicer things - my old second hand stuff began to look more ragged and dull because I let my focus get off the real things in life that mattered to me in the beginning. I saw Sister So-and-so and she had this nice outfit (that was wwwaaayy out of our budget) but I too wanted an outfit like that ... another friend was decorating her new home and I realized I needed some new decor as well for mine. I wanted to have what everyone else seemed to have.

My husband and I had had a credit card “to build credit” to purchase a home. It was suppose to be for emergencies only! and even then, paid off as quickly as possible to avoid interest fees. However, to my shame, my discontentment and my envy/covetness (just calling it what it truly was) caused me to justify a little purchase here and a little purchase there... ( The kids deserve a nice outfit or a new toy... or I rarely buy me anything, I shouldn’t feel bad for getting a few nicer things, should I ?) These were my justifications ( my lies!)

Until one day, I went to use the credit card for yet one more “emergency” and my card got declined! How could this have happened ? I thought it was an error but upon investigation, I had indeed reached the credit limit (Thank God we didn’t have an endless limit!) It was just a little here and a little there... but those little purchases quickly added up. I now had maxed out our credit card and we had no money to pay it off. My husband had no clue the predicament my discontentment had caused us to be in financially. He was a hard worker and he went to work everyday faithfully providing for our home —trusting all the while, I was at the house managing our home and the household budget. Now, I had ruined everything!!

Talk about humbling... I was utterly embarrassed and humiliated. I had to face my husband and tell him I had failed miserably in the job he had given me to do. (Not to mention the financial mess I had created by my lack of self control) - Here I was -my heart’s desire to be a “helpmeet” and a wonderful wife to him and instead, I had betrayed him. I had used money we didn’t have for stuff I didn’t even need. To be honest, half the stuff I probably didn’t really even like... just was in fashion or was the trending thing at the moment ...and I just wanted to have what everyone else seemed to have...

I remember that day— I was a nervous wreck... I had to tell him ! I knew it would be much worse if he found out some other way... Although I am usually excited for his arrival home each day, I dreaded to see his car pull in the driveway that day.

I felt like I was marching to the guillotine. I was quiet as we ate dinner and he started to notice something was wrong and inquired what was the matter with me. I told him I had to talk to him. I had left the kids with my mom for the evening so it was just he and I alone at the kitchen table. I was so afraid to tell him. I had no clue how he was going to react. I started crying profusely and he was just like “what?? Tell me what’s wrong!!” He had no idea what I was about to say- he was starting to get nervous himself because I was so tore up. I ended up getting it out between sobs. I will never forget that look of hurt and betrayal on my husband’s face as long as I live.

I felt lower than a snake’s belly. (The poor man works his tail off from daylight to dark- in the cold of winter, in the sweltering heat of summer, never complaining, and this is the thanks I give him??!!) I don’t think I’ve ever loathed myself as much as I did that night when I saw how badly I wounded him with my careless, selfish actions. He said he needed a few minutes to himself so I ran to the bedroom crying. It wasn’t long though, until he called for me to come back. I didn’t know what he was going to say. He had every reason to belittle me, demean me, say whatever he wanted about me, and be 100% in the right in doing so. But I also will never forget those strong arms wrapping around me and holding me close... yes, he was hurt. Yes, he felt betrayed. Yes, he was still reeling from the shock of my confession and the financial mess we were now in because of it but God extended grace to him in that moment. He accepted that grace and he, in turn, extended that same grace to me...That moment will live in my mind forever...That event was such a powerful example to me of what a Godly man my husband is. (I still get teared up just thinking about it !) Oh, what mercy! Oh, what grace! What a reflection of God himself! Yes, you may have messed up, you may have made mistakes, you may have hurt me and you may have disappointed me but I still love you! I still want you!

We will get through this together!

(Many years have came and gone since that moment— but it was life changing for us both. Bless my husband’s poor heart! He worked overtime/side jobs to cover my mistake. We got that paid off - (and swore off credit cards - and started to get an actual financial household plan together — yes, trust was broken and there was a lot of accountability after that.. but in the end, God helped us and what could have been possibly marriage shattering to some people ended up making our marriage stronger and making us a better team! God used this catastrophe to help us become more financially educated and become better at managing household finances as a couple ’together.’

But I said all that to say this, the main cause of problem stemmed inside me... I got my eyes off Jesus and the treasures that truly mattered. I started becoming ungrateful for the blessings I already possessed!

1 Timothy 6:6-12 says :

[6] But godliness with contentment is great gain. [7] For we brought nothing into this world, and it is certain we can carry nothing out. [8] And having food and raiment let us be therewith content. [9] But they that will be rich fall into temptation and a snare, and into many foolish and hurtful lusts, which drown men in destruction and perdition. [10] For the love of money is the root of all evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows. [11] But thou, O man of God, flee these things; and follow after righteousness, godliness, faith, love, patience, meekness. [12] Fight the good fight of faith, lay hold on eternal life, whereunto thou art also called, and hast professed a good profession before many witnesses...

So dear sister, don’t allow the Devil to make you discontent with the blessings God has gifted you with... Those blessings are yours! Be thankful each day for them!! The grass isn’t greener on the other side of the fence!

If you don’t build your home on eternal things, you could have all the material things of this world, but it won’t change a thing. You won’t have a happier marriage or better kids. You will just have nicer things!!

2 Corinthians 4:18 says : While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal.

Matthew 6:19-21 KJV [19] Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal: [20] But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal: [21] For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.

As children of God, we are commanded to lay up treasures in Heaven... while there is nothing wrong with having nice things if you can afford it, always remember that’s exactly what they are — just things! We can’t take them with us when we leave this old world. They don’t mean anything. I’ve seen a lot of rich, seemly successful (in the world’s eyes) people who if they would be honest, are downright miserable. They strive to climb the corporate ladder trying to achieve this lofty ascent of success—only to find when they get there, it is like wind... it appears for a while and vanishes away... and the stuff they sacrificed to accomplish their goals was so much more important—their homes, their marriages, and their children ...but by the time, they realize it usually it’s too late!!

Online, these same people may appear to be happy and complete with their beautiful homes, new cars, designer brands, prestigious careers, second/third marriages but inside, they are broken, damaged, lonely, and miserable. Sometimes you may even be surprised- those people themselves may be wishing they had the kind of peace and the kind of home that you have ...

As the old saying goes, “Never judge a book by its cover.” Just because their lives look happy don’t mean they really are... There is a flip side.

Time is swiftly passing and I don’t want to miss what’s really important in life!!

Make a conscious choice each day to be grateful. (write down all your blessings one by one if you have to and soon, you will discover your blessings far outweigh anything temporal or earthly we could ever attain.) Always remember we are just pilgrims passing through this old world. This old world is not our home !! We don’t have to have all the fancy trinkets of this corruptible world! We have riches beyond comprehension awaiting us in Glory!!

The only things in life that truly matter is God, first and foremost, our families, and our relationships with others! Everything else is just that— “STUFF”

-Tiphanie

extra resources: The Bible has a lot to say on the subject -