Enjoying your kids instead of just enduring them

Enjoying your kids instead of just enduring them.

That phrase may seem kinda harsh. Of course, I enjoy my kids, you may say, I love them! But often our own attitudes in dealing with our children make it seem like we are just enduring them, instead of being intentional in our enjoyment of them.

So often, we, as parents, are so focused on the responsibility side of parenting that we sometimes forget to take the time to be intentional and actually enjoy our kids and to spend quality time with them.

Our daughter and our son, though both born into the same family, are drastically different from each other. Each child is a special individual with their own unique personality. I have learned that even the way they respond to discipline and correction is vastly different. My husband and I are still learning to tailor our parenting to each child to be the best parents we can be to our children.

Our son is soon to be 10 years old. He is much more demanding of my time and attention. He is a great kid but in recent months, he has been going through some "growing up issues". He has been testing the boundaries of respect and obedience. His attitude has also been in need of some "adjustments". My sweet, loving little "baby" boy often transforms into someone unrecognizable at times. (Talk about just enduring him instead of enjoying him!) I have definitely been seeking the Lord in how to help him cope through these changes in his body and his young mind.

Not that I am excusing his behavior, because I definitely am not....( believe me, there has been plenty of correction) But I also have come to realize that there is a lot of changes happening in his body and in his brain--changes that he doesn't understand--Emotions that he has never felt before.

He isn't a little baby anymore. He is well on his way to becoming a young man. I realized what worked for the last 9 years may not work anymore. I may need to adjust my own attitude and approach to "keep" his heart. After much prayer and study, I realized some of the problem was me. He still needed his mama just as much as he did before, if not more, but just in a different way. I came to realize that some of his attitude might be me interpreting his motive/intentions wrong--that he didn't mean it the way we were taking it. So, when something he says or does borders on disrespectful, we have begun to correct him in a different manner. We stop him and tell him that it sounds disrespectful the way he said it and ask him how he could rephrase it more respectfully. 9 times out of 10, he does it with no problem and it immediately deescalates the situation. As a result, the conflicts have greatly reduced in our home. Oh, don't get me wrong--he still has "corrections" at times but thankfully, we are back to enjoying our son, instead of being in a constant state of enduring.

One of the greatest joys of motherhood is looking into the faces of our children, and knowing we’re staring at a miracle. ---author unknown

Sometimes, somewhere along the way, we get used to all the to-do’s of mothering, (making sure we check all the boxes) instead of taking the time to enjoy each of our children as they are uniquely designed by their Creator. It would do us all good to take a moment to consider each of our children with their own unique likes/dislikes, quirks, and personalities and take the time to "learn" our children. You may be surprised what you might learn when you take the time to consider each child carefully. They are more than just a child. They are a unique individual created by God for a purpose and He has a specific plan in mind for their life. Our children are more than "just our children." They are people with dreams, ideas, thoughts, and feelings. It is our job as parents to discover and nurture those dreams, ideas, thoughts, and feelings into God pleasing accomplishments.

“My son, give me thine heart, And let thine eyes observe my ways.”‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭23‬:‭26‬

Respect is something mutual. You can command fear in your child and they will obey out of fear but you will never fully have their heart. They will resent you and constantly harbor frustration and anger deep in their hearts. They may never say it vocally, but there will be damages and hurts deep inside that may never fully heal. In contrast, if you give your child love and respect, they, in turn, will love and respect you. If you want your child's heart, you have to win their respect. If you never take the time to listen to them, constantly criticize them, and never see the good in your child, you can't expect them to trust you with their hearts. Children are fragile creatures. We often forget they have feelings and needs. I'm not saying we condone bad behavior so we don't "hurt" their feelings. Oh no! But there is a right way and a wrong way of discipline. We never should discipline in anger or to hurt our child. (Words can hurt just as bad as punishment!) Discipline is meant to be a tool to help correct a child's behavior and put them back on the right track. Discipline should be viewed as such. As parents, we shouldn't allow our own emotions to get involved---we don't discipline to "get back" at our child... or to get even. We are seeking to guide our children in the truth. We are using discipline as a means to instruct them and to help them-- not to hurt them.

Yes, it's true that we, as parents, are the authority over our children, but with that authority, comes an awesome responsibility. We must strive to get and keep the hearts of our children. If we don't, I assure you the Devil has someone who will. He has a plan to destroy each one of our kids and if we aren't careful, we can play right into his plan when we neglect to be intentional and work to gain the hearts of our kids. Gaining and keeping the hearts of our kids is not something that happens automatically. It is something we must work to attain. It is of vital importance. Your kids must safely trust in you. Oh I'm not saying you and your kids will always agree, but they will trust that you are doing whatever it is for their good. They will know that you are just looking out for their best interest. They will submit to your authority even when they don't understand simply because they trust you and they have given you their heart.

That is one thing I can honestly say about my parents. They definitely had their children's hearts. They took the time to listen to us. They corrected the bad, but always acknowledged the good in us when they saw it. They praised us when we made the right choices and encouraged us to do better when we made poor choices. They didn't just endure us, they truly enjoyed being parents. You can ask my mom to this day, she will say-- being a mom to her children was her most fulfilling role in life. She loved motherhood and was fully committed to being the best, Godliest mom she could be.

My parents sought God for their every move. They recognized the awesome responsibility of parenting. God had entrusted them with precious cargo. They lived like that-- as one who will give account --and the result paid off. We both, by the grace of God, turned out as decent, respectful people.

To this day, my brother and I (and our families) are extremely close to our parents and have a wonderful family relationship all together. I believe it to be a direct result of our parents and how they endeavored to raise us in the love and admonition of the Lord. They truly enjoyed us children and didn't just endure us. They trusted God that if they did their part, God would do His and God always blesses His Word and those who seek to please Him in every area of their lives.

Put The To-do List Aside

The Bible says God bestows love on us (1 John 3:1).

When was the last time we bestowed (or lavished) love on our kids?

Shut off our phones and walked away from endless to do list and went somewhere to have fun with our kids just because?

The best moments with my children is when I put everything else on the back burner and spend quality time with them. It’s never anything elaborate; even trip to the library or the park can create some wonderful memories.

You don’t even have to leave the house! Just break out some games, build a Lego set together, bake cookies, or make crafts together. Just spending time with them means the world to our children.

It’s amazing the conversations that can take place during these times, too, which reveal even more of their hearts and personalities.

Great opportunities to learn more about our kids and connect with them happen when we’re willing to stop letting the pressure of the to-do list get to us.

Praise Them For What They Do Right

As I mentioned above, we’re deep in that season of training and disciplining our kids, we often tend to focus on their bad behaviors and overlook the good ones. While we’re busy shaping and molding their character, it becomes really easy to spot those negative traits.

Every time we see one, it’s like a bell goes off in our parenting brain: Ding! Disrespect. Ding! Laziness. Ding! Irresponsibility.

And we swoop in to provide correction.

Unfortunately sometimes, we end up caught in a cycle of negativity where we can’t seem to find anything good about them. We’re always pointing out all the bad stuff, and then they feel bad about themselves so they act out even more. A frustrated kid is always a kid that is seemingly "always in trouble." If you find yourself with a child in constant trouble, stop for a moment and think about it. Have you taken a moment to look for something good in your child? Have you praised them for anything good lately? Have I spend any one on one quality time with my child recently?

Our pastor has a saying--- you get more of what you praise. Start looking for and praising the good (even if it's minute! Praise it anyway!) and you will gradually start to see improvement.

And then, every now and then, if we’re actively looking, our kids will do something that is amazing, heart-felt, and servant like. Something which reveals that all of our training isn’t in vain. Mom, Dad, keep at it! Your hard work is paying off!!

The other day, I asked my 12 year old daughter to clean up the dishes. She went the extra mile and deep cleaned the whole kitchen. It looked amazing and was greatly appreciated. I made sure to praise her efforts and her thoughtfulness. Seeing a need and jumping in to help without being coerced to is a valuable life skill. By acknowledging what she did and praising her for it will set her up to want to do similar things in the future.

A few nights ago, I had severe pain in my side (likely another kidney stone 😔 ) and it forced me on the couch. My son saw the pain I was in and offered me a pillow and a blanket (all on his own) so I would be more comfortable.

One kid showed initiative, while the other showed compassion. Both showed a willingness to serve.

I would have missed the chance to recognize them for these good fruits and praise them if I had been too focused on the bad of the day -- like my daughter's attitude about her messy room, or my son's disrespectful attitude earlier that day. 

It might have been a really bad week, but you can always find something to praise your kids for. With some intention and prayer, you’ll be able to find something good to praise in your kids if you look hard enough.

We serve a very personal God--one who runs to meet the prodigal after he returns home and will welcome him with open arms. He loved us when we were unlovable.

Despite our unworth, we’ve already been accepted and chosen. He loves us simply for us-- not what we can do or say!

It is incredible to know the God of all glory feels that way about each one of us. He moved Heaven and Earth to restore our broken fellowship with Him, even if it meant coming all the way to coming down to earth to get on our level.

Our true identity comes from Him loving and delighting in us. When we take a moment and fully realize how much we are loved and enjoyed by our Heavenly Father, we can’t help but love and enjoy our own children!

Sometimes, our kids need us to get out of our own heads and just give them our hearts.

“and he shall turn the heart of the fathers to the children, and the heart of the children to their fathers.... Malachi‬ ‭4‬:‭6‬a

Almost miraculously, a total difference in behavior can happen when we take the time to connect with our kids with their own interests and in their own love languages.

There may be a million other things pulling at us, but our children need to know they are a priority to us, and most of all, they need to know we enjoy being with them.

They ARE NOT an inconvenience to us. They have more priority that whatever I'm looking at on my phone. Or whatever I am trying accomplish today. When they need me, I want to be there.

No, I am not advocating for making your children solely dependent upon you for their every whim but too often, in today's world, kids are being pushed to the side and treated like they are of no importance.

Go play... we tell them. Get out of our face... Go find something to do... but more often than not, they are just seeking our attention. They want us as parents to take time to know them. They want to talk to us. They want to spend time with us They want to hear stories of when we were young. They want to learn from us by spending time with us. They themselves don't know how to put it in words but God put in down inside of children to look to the older ones as an example and for leadership and guidance. If we are constantly shooing them aside, how are they to learn?

One thing I see about time gone by, in earlier generations, the children worked along side of their parents every day. They were constantly mentored by the actions of their parents. Children were always by their parents' side. They weren't insignificant. They played a vital role in assisting their parents and that role contributed to their own self worth. They knew their parents relied on them and counted on their efforts. They respected their parents but in turn, their parents recognized the importance of what the children "brought to the table". The children were a significant part of the household.

It is so easy to shoo our younger kids aside when they want to help us do something. "They will make a mess. Or they don't do it like I do. Or it's quicker if I do it alone..." but we need to stop and consider if we make it a priority to include them and make them feel needed, it does amazing things for our children and their behavior. Yes, it may be messy. Yes, it may not be to our liking and yes, it make take twice the time to get it done, but it will be so worth it to gain the heart of our child.

In this upcoming year, may we as parents work harder than ever on gaining and keeping the heart of our children. With this world and the enemy of our souls viying for their hearts, it makes our job as parents all the more important!! May we be more intentional and try our best to enjoy our children instead of just enduring them! May our kids grow up knowing that Mom loved being a mother! Dad loved being a dad. To them, there were no high callings!! They knew they were going to give account back to God on how they raised us and they fulfilled that role to the best of their ability!

From my heart to yours,

Tiphanie.....❤️