If you haven’t yet read part 1, go read our story first!! I’m adding this post as part 2 because the other one got kinda lengthy. But I felt it was a worthy subject so I didn’t want to just cut out this part…
I have come to some major life realizations concerning being a daughter-in-law.
I wish someone had sat me down and told me all of what I am about to share with. I had to learn the hard way on a lot of this stuff.
Don’t be Me! Take my failures as examples of what NOT to do in a relationship!! Learn from my mistakes, don’t repeat them !!
What I have found to be true!
• There is enough room in your heart to love both your own mom AND your mother in law!!
• Your mother-in-law is not your mom and she is never going to take your own mother’s place. If you have a good mom, you are blessed. If you have a good mother-in-law as well, you are twice blessed. Good women in your life are a blessing. Don’t take ANY of them for granted! •Don’t allow your marriage to suffer because of your selfishness. If your mother-in-law is a good lady (especially if she is saved!) and she isn’t trying to run your home or trying to do something contrary to God’s Word, don’t make your husband chose between you as his wife, or his family. Just as you love your family, he loves his! Learn to get along with his family. Embrace them for your husband’s sake!
•There is a myth out there that I have heard women repeat over and over— I married him! Not his family!! That is so false! When you marry someone, you marry their whole family as well. That is why there is so much friction among in-laws. The wife refuses to become part of his family. She keeps trying to extract the man she married from his family. The Scripture that commands a man to “leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife” is often grossly used out of context right here. That verse simply means for him to leave his parents’ house and become one with his wife—to make his own home with her. It doesn’t mean that he should sever all dealings with his parents…that his parents are more “evil” that his wife’s family, so thus, his family have no right to involved in the couples’ everyday life. I have heard people say stuff like “The Bible never commands the wife to leave her family, just the husband to leave his.” I do not believe that is what God was trying to convey to us. The man obviously loves his family just as much as wife loves hers. God is never unjust. He doesn’t pick sides. He simply wanted the man to become independent from his parents to provide for his own home…(in fact, more often than not, if you look throughout the Bible, the wife usually came to be part of the husband’s side of the family—remember Rebekah being fetched as a bride for Isaac (Gen 24:51) ? Where did Isaac take her when she arrived? Back to his deceased mother’s tent. Rebekah dwelt among his family.
Sarah, too, is also referenced traveling with Abram and her father-in-law (Gen 11:31) Eventually, even Jacob brought his family back to dwell with his elderly father in his native land. (Gen 35:27) So you can’t say that God always commands a husband to completely leave his family and cleave to his wife, but never requires that wife to leave her family to cleave unto her husband. (While he does have to “become the man”, he isn’t required to cut off connection with his own family, just to fulfill the Biblical role of a husband.) Thus, a wife should never use this verse to just manipulate her husband to sever all ties with his God given family. This will only lead to arguments, conflict, and tension in your home. Even if you do succeed in doing this as a wife, your spouse will harbor resentment in his heart because you forced him to chose between you and his family. Any good spouse will chose his mate but (barring sin or something equally terrible that breaks that fellowship) he should never have to turn his back on his family— or at least, not just to keep you happy!
• Word of advice to the Mothers of these said daughters— please do not run your daughter’s mother-in-law down to anyone but especially not to your daughter! Your daughter is having a hard enough time adjusting to marriage and to becoming part of another family. She does not need you meddling and making things worse. A daughter usually listens to a mother’s advice and her opinion matters to that daughter. If you are constantly running down her mother-in-law, she will never develop a relationship with her. I know there are some selfish mothers out there who probably do this on purpose. They do not like the idea of another “mother” figure in their daughter’s life. They feel threatened by that mother-in-law’s presence and her attention to their daughter. Thus, they use their words to disapprove of the other woman and constantly berate everything she does, in hopes, that their daughter will never bond with her and become her “daughter” too. But if you have a good relationship with your daughter, you don’t have to worry about that! A daughter will never leave her mother! There will always be a place in her heart that only you can fill!! No mother-in-law will ever replace you in your daughter’s eyes! She only has one Mama! But there is no reason why she can’t have a mother-in-law too!! There is more than enough room in her heart to love you both!! So, Encourage your daughters to bond with their mother-in-laws! It will help their marriages! Don’t allow selfishness to cause you to be a bad influence on your daughter. Be Christlike even in this area! Do unto others as you would have done to you. Would you like it if your own daughter-in-law’s mother would say the same things about you as the mother-in-law? Would you want your son’s wife to treat you with the same disdain and disrespect that you are encouraging in your daughter towards her mother-in-law?? I’m sure the answer would be No!! Absolutely not!! So please, dear sisters, consider your words and your influence!! Help your daughter not to have to fight unnecessary battles!! (I was blessed to have a mom who encouraged me to work things out with my mother-in-law. She never had a close relationship with her own mother-in-law herself, due to circumstances beyond her control but she didn’t want her daughter (me!) to have to struggle through those unnecessary battles like she had to. She recognized it was important for me to develop a relationship with my mother-in-law for the sake of my home but also, for my children’s sake.)
• Never use your kids as pawns in your little feud with your mother-in-law. Kids are tiny humans with feelings! Don’t use them to manipulate their own grandparents!! Don’t refuse their grandparents quality time with your kids just because YOU can’t get along with your in-laws. That’s your children’s grandparents!! (unless there is good reasons such as dangerous situations, sinful behaviors, or something that could be detrimental to your children’s safety, training, or well-being, that is)— I realize each situation is different and has to be handled accordingly— I am simply referring to the situation as if your in-laws are good, God fearing people— if you have a different situation, please allow God to direct you as to what to do in your case. If you are still unsure, seek out Godly wisdom and counsel from your pastor or someone older and wiser—they can help to discern God’s principles in the matter )
• Young wives, realize you don’t automatically know it all! (We often have lots to learn!!) Your mother-in-law has been around a lot longer than you have and she has a lot of life experience and wisdom that you have yet to glean. Even when you don’t agree, listen respectfully to her opinions. Consider her ideas. She may surprise you with her knowledge. She may have wise counsel and be able to help you avoid pitfalls or struggles in life if you will be humble enough to listen.
• Realize you don’t have to compete with your mother-in-law. You won your husband’s heart already. You are his wife. But she will always be his mom. Don’t take offense to that relationship. Don't be jealous, possessive, or controlling! She has every right to call/text/talk to her son!! Don’t be THAT wife! You are important to your husband in a completely different way than his mom is. You can’t take her place in his heart, just as she can’t take yours. His heart is big enough to hold the both of you.
• Communication is key! Life is not without conflicts. Invariably, things happen. We say the wrong things at times. We are human! We mess up! Being able to talk things out and to apologize and make things right when we do fail is a huge solution to those pesky problems in life. When these moments do occur, work through them, talk them out, like I said, you don’t always have to agree but you should also respect others’ opinions, there are even be times that you will need to agree to disagree. Always be respectful. Keeping open lines of communication is a major step in building a strong, healthy relationship.
•Allow God to mold you into His image. Don’t allow selfishness and the flesh to dictate your attitude and your behavior! Take the high road if necessary — or perhaps the low road if needed … Do whatever is necessary to bring God glory!
•Develop a relationship with your mother-in-law – independent of your husband. Learn her likes, dislikes, hobbies, interests, find our things you have in common, and so on. Make the relationship more personal than just “she’s my husband’s mother.” She is YOUR mother-in-law!! Let her become your friend as well.
• Don’t constantly run your in-laws down to your husband and complain how much you don’t like them and how you cannot deal with them! That’s his family! He loves them! If there truly is a real issue, talk with your husband. Get on the same page with him, make a game plan, set some boundaries if necessary, and you both go talk to his parents together, if need be, to resolve the conflict.
•Never ever say a negative thing about your in-laws in front of your children! That’s their grandparents!! (Enough said!!!)
•Just don’t be a complaining, negative, contemptuous nag!! That is definitely not an appealing quality in a woman. Your husband definitely won’t be attracted to that kind of spirit!
While I have been a little hard on daughter-in-laws, I am not so naive that I think all mother-in-laws are perfect angels LOL 😂 I know a lot of times there are truly misbehaving mother-in-laws out there. However, especially if you are newly married, remember all this is new to your mother-in-law as well. She has always been the most important woman in her son’s life and now, she has been dethroned by YOU! Even if she is a Godly woman and recognizes that this is part of life and God’s plan for marriage, allow her some time to adjust and “find her place”. Don’t automatically assume that she is and is always going to be a terrible mother-in-law. She has spent nearly two decades pouring her life each day into her son. She does realize that she must now give him to you, and sometimes, that’s a lot easier said than done for a mama.
Give her some grace and understanding as she endeavors to adjust to becoming simply a perpherial element in his life, instead of the main influence. Be grateful to her for raising your husband to be a Godly, loving man. Show her respect and appreciation! If she is a Godly woman, in time, she will find her place and accept your starring role in her son’s life as his wife. Just be patient and understanding with her during the transition! It will definitely help your future relationship with her!
If some time passes and your mother-in-law still isn’t behaving wisely, sit down with your husband and calmly ( I repeat, calmly!) (and humbly!!! that is also very important!! ) discuss the issues with him. If she is indeed being meddlesome, or trying to run your home, or if you have kids, she is causing problems there, talk to your husband about your expectations and about setting some boundaries. Husbands are sometimes clueless when it comes to women. Don’t assume he just understands. Explain to him what is going on, how her actions are affecting you, and what could be done to remedy the situation. Don’t allow your personal vendetta or grievances to color your solutions. Make sure to set boundaries and offer solutions based the principles of God’s Word. Once you both have come to agreement as to what that is going to look like for your family, (very meekly, calmly, and humbly) you and your husband should set down and talk to your in-laws. It’s okay to set some boundaries and to stand firm on some things with them if you do it in love and without ulterior motives.
Sometimes, they may understand or sometimes, they may not. But don’t allow your temper or your attitude to become part of the problem, either. Be gentle. Be kind. Set the boundaries and stick to them. In time, more often than not, they will come around if you and your spouse continue to exhibit a right spirit and continue to be kind, patient, and understanding.
I am, by no means, an expert. I am still trying to improve as a Christian, a wife, a mom, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, and yes, a daughter-in-law! Relationships are hard sometimes. You have to work at some of them! That’s okay. It’s natural. But I will say this, the more you surrender to God and draw close to Him, the easier it becomes to get along with others and to treat them as Christ would have us to.
I have found in my own life— the times that I struggled the most in my relationships with others were the times where I had allowed my flesh too much reign in my own life. My own selfish attitude and my desire to please, pamper, and pet this flesh were often the true problem!
When I began to seek after God, my relationships with others began to improve by default. One man described this effect like this. Think of a bicycle wheel. You know how there is a center part of the wheel where it connects to the bike frame and the spokes on the bike extend from that?? Think of the center part as God. Just like the spokes, the closer we get to God (the center), the closer to each other we become. The farther we get away from God (the center), the farther apart we become in our relationships!! That’s a great illustration for this principle and it is oh so true!!
If you are truly having issue with your relationships, seek God’s wisdom! Draw nigh to Him! He can do what we can’t … why, He even promised us in Proverbs 16:7 — When a man's ways please the Lord, he maketh even his enemies to be at peace with him.
If you are walking upright before God and seeking to be pleasing to Him, He will straighten out the wrinkles in our lives. He will repair those broken things…
Joel 2:25] And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten, the cankerworm, and the caterpiller, and the palmerworm, my great army which I sent among you.
Israel here had turned their back on God. God allowed them to suffer because of their disobedience, unfaithfulness, and idolatry. However, when they would cry out to Him and repent of their evil ways, God was quick to show mercy! He always brought blessing to those people who would return back to Him!! Joel tells us of God’s promise to restore the years the locust and the cankerworm, and the caterpiller, and the palmerworm have eaten.
What’s that even mean??? That means due to their change of heart and repentance, God was offering to remove some of the curse and punishment their sin and disobedience had caused. He offered to restore some good fruit—some good harvest that the locust and the worms had already seemingly destroyed… There didn’t seem to be any hope for restoration after those years of desolation. Famine, pestilence, and drought had left an indelible mark on the land. Scars from the suffering and the struggles were evident every you looked. Yet, God in His rich mercy, blessed the land and prospered it once again to where those ugly scars of famine, heartache, and struggle were no longer glaringly visible, but rather, simply small visual reminders to testify of His GREAT LOVE💕
Just like God did repeatly through the Old Testament with Israel, He too longs to restore those broken things in our lives. He will removed the harshness of famine in your life. There won’t be glaring piles of broken relationships and shattered dreams scattered all around you. God can restore some things in your life and in your family that seemed long passed dead. The small reminders left behind will no longer be symbols of defeat but rather serve as testimonies of His GREATNESS! We serve an amazing God! Give it all to Him! He can pick up the pieces of our shattered relationships and make a one-of-a-kind masterpiece that only the He, the master Creator, could ever design!!
The song below came to my mind as I wrote this article…. The entire song is very relevant for this topic of broken relationships but a couple lines of this song really stood out to me…
🎶He can take whatever's broken, make it just like new. You won't even recognize it when He's through. He will use it for His glory, use it for your good, if you'll let it go. He can take it.🎶
So how about it ?? Aren't you tired of the struggles, the tension, the broken relationships?? Aren't you weary of the constant friction, the resentment, the hurt??
Won’t you let it go? He can take it!
He makes all things new!!
Revelation 21:5 —And he that sat upon the throne said, Behold, I make all things new. And he said unto me, Write: for these words are true and faithful.
Let me encourage you, dear sisters,
Trust Him with your broken things. He can do amazing things with a life that is surrendered to His Will and His Plan.
-Tiphanie ❤️
🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶
He can take it
Bring Him every question in your heart The doubt that's tearing you apart Your greatest hurts, your deepest scars God can take it. Bring Him all the bitterness inside The shame that you wish you could hide The fear that keeps you paralyzed God can take it. You don't have to be afraid, cause He won't turn you away. He can take whatever's broken make it just like new. You won't even recognize it when He's through. He will use it for His glory, use it for your good, if you'll let it go. He can take it. Let go of the things that you regret, The words you wish could be unsaid, The painful past you can't forget . God can take it. He will bear the weight that weighs you down, Mercy's arms are open now So bring the sin that keeps you bound, God can take it. His grace is strong enough, oh His grace is strong enough. He can take whatever's broken, Make it just like new. You won't even recognize it when He's through. He will use it for His glory, use it for your good, if you'll let it go. He can take it. Just like he took your cross. Just like he took your grave. He can take it. He can take it. He can take whatever's broken, Make it just like new. You won't even recognize it when He's through. He will use it for His glory, use it for your good, if you'll let it go. If you'll let it go. He can take it.🎶
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