Disclaimer: First off, let me preface this article by saying how much I love and appreciate my in-laws. I have been blessed with wonderful extended family on my husband’s side! I am very close to them now (despite the fact that we live 4 hours apart). I thank God for them. When I started thinking about writing this article, I wanted to be mindful of my mother-in-law and her feelings about me writing our story. I asked her for her permission to share our story which she granted me wholeheartedly. She agreed with me that our story should be shared in hopes it may help some other struggling mother-in-law/daughter-in-law and perhaps encourage them in their relationship as well!! So a huge thank you to my mother-in-law for her permission to even write this article (and also for her input as well!! )
If you read the post where I shared Bill and I’s story, you will remember that Bill was originally from Indiana. I am from Kentucky. During our courtship, Bill always came to Kentucky to visit me. He usually brought a friend with him but due to the distance, work, church, and other obligations, his parents were not very involved during our courtship. Bill quickly became part of my family (even before the wedding because he was constantly with us) I, on the other hand, never fully bonded with his side of the family because I rarely had an opportunity to even see them.
After we were married, we began to visit his family in Indiana. Even from the very beginning, his mom was gracious and welcoming to me. She was even very flexible with holidays. She didn’t have to have the exact holiday dates themselves ( as long as we could come visit for a weekend sometime around the holiday, she was happy!) So we quickly worked out our family traditions to what worked best for all of us.
Everyone seemed nice to me and was very accepting from the beginning. But remember, due to distance and other reasons, Bill’s family hadn’t really been that involved with our courtship, so after we were married, it felt like I was visiting with perfect strangers. When we would visit, because Bill had moved 4 hours away from all his family, (and they are a close knit family!) it seemed to me that everyone just made over him (and I kinda felt like just an afterthought or a tagalong) - Don’t get me wrong—no one ever was mean to me or said anything out of the way to me. I was just a young, immature girl who felt very out of place around a lot of people that I just didn’t know. Bill, also being an immature kid, failed to recognize how I felt. He would often go off and do stuff with the guys and leave me sitting at the house feeling awkward with other family members I didn’t even know.
In time, I began to feel a little bit of negativity toward my husband every time we traveled to Indiana for visits because of his insensitivity to my feelings and how awkward and disconnected I felt while we were there. This caused a little bit tension in our marriage. I would never come right out and say anything to him directly, but he knew how I felt because of my attitude. It was as if I was cordial and tolerated visits because I HAD to, but not because I really wanted to. He knew there was something wrong but he really couldn’t figure out what the problem was. So we continued in this uneasy pattern for several years.
When I got pregnant, my mother-in-law and I begin to converse a little more over the pregnancy and soon to be arriving baby (at least, it was something to talk about!) We both (my mother-in-law and I) were very cordial to one another but there was still an undercurrent of reservation and tension that neither one of us could really put a finger on.
Looking back on it all now, I realize that I had so much to learn as a mom (and as a daughter-in-law)! Regretably, I didn’t even allow my mother-in-law to be in the delivery room with us during either of her grandchildren’s birth. If I could go back in time, I would tell my younger self to reconsider that choice. I could have allowed her to be part, but due to my own privacy concerns and my own selfishness, I refused to even consider it. If I had truly wanted to help our relationship, we could have made arrangements to allow her to be somewhere in the delivery room to be part while still protecting my modesty and dignity. I failed to realize that I was not trying to help her be part nor was I looking to bond with her or strengthen our relationship. At that point, I was simply thinking of myself only. I didn’t realize what a special gift that would have been to her. 😩
Once we had our daughter, the tension seemed to grow worse. When we were visiting, I foolishly felt the need to “be the mom!” No matter what was said or done, I had to either correct it or overstate my opinion concerning my baby. I was crazy overprotective of her. I almost cringed now when I think about how I must have acted then.🤦🏼♀️ But remember, my mother-in-law and I still were very cordial and appeared to have a “good relationship”— never a cross word had been spoken at that point! but we were still almost strangers. There was no real relationship there. All communication usually went through Bill and my mother-in-law and I rarely conversed ourselves outside of in person visits.
Something happened however, and one day, my in-laws decided they needed a new beginning. They decided to move to Kentucky to be closer to Bill. I was stunned at the news. I never imagined that they would ever consider relocating. They had mentioned a few times, but I honestly never thought they were serious.
When I found out the news, I determined to try to help them and… maybe, just maybe🤔 we could start over and work on building a relationship together. I decided to drop the attitude and assist them in the transition. Bill and I found them a house to rent, helped get the utilities turned on, and when they arrived, and helped them look for jobs. We threw ourselves into helping them move in. I enlisted my sister-in-law’s help (my brother’s wife) in unpacking and decorating my in-laws’ new home for them while they were at work. We got it all looking nice and they were extremely grateful. At that point, I begin to think that we were making some progress in our relationship.
However, I didn’t realize what was to come.
During this same time, my pappaw (whom I was very close to!!) became very ill. He had been sick for years. 7 years earlier, they had even diagnosed him with cancer and given him 3-6 months to live. Due to his faith in God, he kept living another day and then another! Even the doctors were amazed at how long he had made it, despite his disease’s progression. But unfortunately, this time, his body began to fail. His cancer had spread to other parts of his body causing him great pain. We were a super close family. Pappaw didn’t want to be put in a rest home so all of us, his entire family, rallied around him and his wife, Linda. We practically moved in with them around the clock. We all took shifts staying with them. Pappaw became so weak that he was unable to walk and had to have someone close by to move him where he needed to be.
So just as a backstory, all that was going on around the same time as well…
Within a couple of months, sadly, Pappaw passed away in September. This really done something to me inside. We had so much faith that God was going to heal him!! He was a man of faith! He had been a testimony to the doctors (and everyone he met!) for years!! Why would God take him away? We needed him!! So I was wrestling with that mental anguish as well.
(Also, I had miscarried a baby a few months before Pappaw got extremely ill which added to my mental stress and trauma. Due to Pappaw getting so sick shortly afterwards, I never fully dealt with it. I simply repressed those feelings so I didn’t have to think about it but it was still there, simmering in the recesses of my mind…I also found out 12 days before Pappaw passed away that I was pregnant again. Due to having had the previous pregnancy end in miscarriage, fear gripped my heart and my hormones and emotions were crazy out of whack!)
And here is where things really went downhill…
At this point, I was emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually drained. I simply had nothing left. My mother-in-law wanted to reach out to me but she didn’t know how. I could be quite the “prickly porcupine” when I was as vulnerable as I was then. My emotions, my mental health, my faith, everything— just felt raw! I wasn’t in the mood for the cordial tap-dance rountine that we had perfected by then. I simply “checked out” of the relationship. I quit trying at all. I didn’t care if I ever talked to her. I didn’t care if we ever visited their house and if Bill mentioned going by there, he was once again met with my icy, silent attitude. He didn’t know what was wrong or how to fix it. He knew I had been through so much trauma in those last 8 months so he didn’t really push me very hard. He just allowed me to process things my way — which was just withdrawing completely.
My poor in-laws!! God love their hearts!! I’m still terribly sorry at all the mental anguish and pain my insensitivity and withdrawal caused them during this time. I was so selfish— all I could see was my pain! Meanwhile, they didn’t know how to approach me or how to help strengthen our relationship. Because they didn’t know how to act (or at least, how I wanted them to act), they simply quit trying as well. They got tired of walking on eggshells around me. They began to feel restless and regret their move to Kentucky.
In April, I gave birth to our son. Once again, I refused to allow my mother-in-law to be present in the room during the delivery (citing privacy/modesty concerns.) I had several complications during birth and as a result, my recovery lasted longer. My new baby boy was a nightmare from the first day we brought him home. He cried (without ceasing!) almost any time he was awake. No one or nothing could calm him down. I was stressed beyond belief. I had postpartum depression with him as well. It took us several months to discover that he had a milk protein allergy and the reason why he screamed all the time was because his stomach was hurting him. Finally, we found a doctor who was able to diagnose him and put him on a special formula instead of nursing. That move helped him get some relief but he was a constantly fussy baby for nearly a year and a half. My nerves were beyond frayed!
Also during this time, I began to grow resentful of my in-laws. I thought my mother-in-law should act a certain way or call me and ask me this or be here or do that! Because of their own discouragement and thus, lack of trying, they often failed to meet my expectations. Every time they didn’t do what I thought they should have, I added another layer to my resentment which was quickly becoming a root of bitterness. When I saw them at church, I would almost cringe if I had to interact with them.
Because in my heart, I knew my attitude and my behavior was wrong, I felt condemned and judged. I felt like I was being weighed in the balances and found “wanting” in their eyes. I didn’t like that feeling so I wanted to avoid them entirely!
As often people do, some well meaning folks took sides on an issue that was never theirs to take sides on. It was a personal, private family matter that should have been deal with as such but you know things like that usually have a way of making themselves known.
One night after church, our pastor called Bill and I in his office. There sat an older sister in our church. She had come to the pastor to “tell on us.” She had heard the gossip from other people that we were mistreating Bill’s parents and we weren’t doing them right! After much discussion in the office, Bill and I left the kids with my mom and headed to his parents’ house late that night to get the issue resolved once and for all! It had become a church matter at that point, instead of just a silent family feud, so we could not push it under the proverbial rug any longer. It had to be dealt with.
I don’t really like to remember that night. There were so many things said that could never be unsaid. There was much hurt distributed by both sides. I do not wish to share any details because that is private but let’s just say, it didn’t go well for either of us. I also discovered that Bill’s parents were in the process of moving back to Indiana as well. While it was a bad time to find it out, it was almost like a relief to me to hear. My weary mind and spirit couldn’t take any more trauma or contention. I was simply done with it all.
We returned to the semi-cordial tap dance for the remaining couple weeks they were here. Not friendly, not hostile—just kinda nothing.
On the day they were leaving, I did find enough decency in my heart (or maybe it was the slightest flicker of the Spirit) to meet them for breakfast by myself (Bill was at work) so they could see the kids one final time before they left. Despite my initial reservations, it went okay but I still was almost relieved to wave that final goodbye.
However, just because they were gone didn’t magically relieve me of all my issues. Because I had allowed resentment and bitterness to have place in my heart, those sins began to spring up and bear fruit! 🌱 I was so unhappy and miserable! I felt so depressed. Anytime I would think about Bill’s parents, I would play, rewind, play that fateful, confrontational conversation. I kept feeding it. It soon began to overtake my life. I lost all contact with my mother-in-law completely. If there was any contact at all, it was solely through Bill. She didn’t call me and I didn’t call her. I didn’t text her —she didn’t text me. I never sent her pictures of the kids. It was as if we had just completely severed our relationship.
This went on for quite a while. But gradually, I begin to regain my footing emotionally and mentally. The Spirit too started dealing with the sin festering in my heart. I was confronted with my own failures. I realized a lot of the problems in our relationship stemmed from my own insecurities. Our pastor taught a message on “Wrong expectations” and I realized that was really the root of all my problems with my mother-in-law. I expected her to behave a certain way and when she didn’t, I was let down and I reacted to my disappointment by acting out in my behavior. It was eye opening to see my own actions in light of God’s Word. I had put all the blame on my mother-in-law for our failed relationship —when I realized it was ME instead, who had failed miserably!!😭
I began to repent. I am not going to lie to you and say after that, everything was miraculously better, because it wasn’t. But little by little, God began softening my hard, bitter heart. The more receptive I was to His Word and to His unction, then more He dealt with the inner workings of my heart.
Finally one day, I felt an urge to sit down and write my mother-in-law a letter of apology, taking the blame for our ruined relationship and accepting responsibility for my behavior, my attitude, and my actions. I knew if I wanted to make it to Heaven, I had to make things right with her. This old flesh hates to do that kind of thing. We like to feel justified in our bitterness and anger. We like to put all the blame on someone else but I knew God was constantly prodding me to do this. I didn’t even know if my mother-in-law would be receptive to my “olive branch” apology but I knew I had to try. I sat down and wrote out a long, heart felt apology. I had matured enough to realize my actions, my words, and my behavior had deeply hurt her as well. I felt terrible for the offense I had caused her. I knew this wasn’t how holiness families should act. I wanted Divine healing! I wanted God to restore what the enemy had tried to destroy!
My husband had been working out of town a lot around that time frame so we decided to take a short trip just me and him to get away and reconnect. We left the kids with my parents and went on our getaway. After getting there and doing a few things, I noticed my husband‘s demeanor seemed troubled. As the day went on, he seemed more and more distressed and quiet. That evening, I asked him why he seemed so upset. He said that he didn’t want me to get mad. I said I won’t. He said he was thinking about how we left things with his parents when they moved back to Indiana. (I love how he said WE when he really should have just said You! He didn’t really have the issue, it was me! — lol 😂 he’s a wonderful man! ) He said he thought we should try to make amends with them and try to repair the damaged relationship. He was reluctant to discuss it with me, thinking I would become upset, however, God had already long been working on my heart. I told him that I had already written his mom a letter of apology and I, too, wanted to make amends with them. He was so relieved to hear that!! I read him my letter which he wholeheartedly approved of. When we returned home, I mailed the letter and waited.
I must admit I was a little nervous. I knew she was hurt and angered as well. I had no clue how she would respond or if she would even accept my apology at all. I prayed a lot while I waited to hear a reply. A few days later, I received a letter from her. She not only accepted my apology but she also apologized to me as well. She, too, expressed her desire to put the past behind us and to start over. We both wanted a second chance! And Praise God—He is a God of second chances!! 🙌🏻
That has been many years ago now. It is unbelievable to me just how much God has helped us and how far he has brought us! If you know us both today, you are probably thinking, “There’s no way you all went through all that! You all have a great relationship!” but I assure you that is 100% our story. God didn’t simply repair our broken relationship. He actually cleared away all the ruins of our previous failed attempts and started over anew. He build us a completely new relationship! I am ever so grateful for His mercy, His grace, and His longsuffering. He has given us a wonderful bond now! I feel very connected to ALL my husband’s side of the family. Gone is the awkwardness and uncomfortableness. I truly feel like I am just as much part of the family as Bill is!! I dearly love my mother-in-law ❤️ ( and my father-in-law 😉) I am very comfortable staying their home and visiting with them. There is no more tension or silent disapproval in our marriage when it comes to visits or interactions with his family. I honestly can say I enjoy spending time with them. I miss them myself when it has been a little bit since we have visited. I find myself picking up the phone frequently to call or text his mom to check in with her. I find something interesting or humorous, I don’t hesitate to text her a pic to share. When we do visit, it no longer bothers me if Bill wants to go do something with his dad or the guys and leaves me behind. I now enjoy spending time with the ladies of his family!
I truly know this is nothing I could have done on my own!! It was solely the Hand of God at work!! He can do amazing things if we will simply give Him our “broken things”. He can do what we could never accomplish on our own. He can put LOVE where strife used to dwell. He can put a BOND where there used to be detachment. But you have to let him.…
If you can relate to our story, let me encourage you, dear woman of God, YOU are not alone! Don’t allow the Devil to isolate you and tell you that!! There have been others who have faced the giant of failed expectations and broken relationships in their lives as well. You may have heard that giant’s sneers and taunts and you may have thought that you WILL NEVER get victory over that Philistine in your life. But let me encourage you that God is the God of the impossible!! Allow Him to change YOU!! Your mother-in-law may never change (but she probably will, if she is a Godly woman) and your situation/circumstance may seem hopeless, but if you surrender wholeheartedly to God—I mean it ALL—your will, your way, your “rights”, your hurt, your disappointments, all of it!!—God can change your own perspective entirely! Seek to be more Christlike and some of the petty stuff will cease to even bother you!! Don’t give up!! It is worth fighting for!!
Having a right relationship with God often translates into having right relationships with others.
Struggling much?? Examine your spiritual life! A selfless, humble, sold-out-to-God person doesn’t take offense easily. If you find yourself often offended, you may need to re-examine your commitment to walking after the Lrod. When you are walking in fellowship with the Lord, He will give you a right attitude and a right heart. He will give you words to say during conflict or tension… We both are living proof of what He can restore! Let Him repair your broken relationships as well! Let go of the bitterness! Let go of the hurts! Let go of the strife!! Give it ALL to God!! Let Him fix it!!
-Tiphanie ❤️
Bonus:
Here is some thoughts from my mother-in-law as well:
I asked her for her input for this article and she so graciously obliged. Enjoy!!
From a mother-in-law’s perspective:
My own mother in law (known more commonly now as Grandma Kitty—by just about everyone!) was a blessing sent from God to me! (even before I knew the Lord as my savior.) She ran a restaurant not far from where we lived. As a teenager, I would go visit her there whenever I could. She took time out for me and showed me attention. We developed quite a bond.
I was friends with another girl who was dating one of Kitty’s sons at the time. By being friends with that girl, I soon was introduced to his brother, another one of Kitty’s sons, Jerry. (Spoiler: He later became my husband!!) But even before I married Jerry, his mother had already opened her arms and her heart to me. She gave hugs often (I so desperately needed that at that time!) She showed me attention and exhibited a sincere love for me. I dearly adored her! You see, my own mom had some severe health issues that caused her to be unable to be the kind of mom that a young lady needs. When I met Kitty, God allowed her to fill in the gaps in my heart. (I had a lot of gaps!) God truly knew what I needed when I needed it. Kitty became the mother figure that I never had. She was naturally nurturing and loving. She was accepting of me and consider me “her daughter”. (A lot of people thought I was actually her real daughter. Some folks said we even resembled each other!)
Kitty filled a void in my life and became my role model as a wife, mom, and eventually, as a mother-in-law.
So when my son married and I became a mother-in-law to his new wife, Tiphanie, I wanted to be as caring, as loving and as helpful as my own mother-in-law had been to me.
I failed……
I made so many mistakes trying to get it right.
I had a very rough start trying to build a relationship with my daughter-in-law.
The biggest part was I didn’t know what to do or how to act. I didn’t know how to be the right kind of mother-in-law. In the beginning, like she already said, we were both practically strangers that suddenly had become family. We didn’t even know each other. The problem wasn’t because I didn’t want to have a good relationship with her. On the contrary, I really did love her and I did want a good relationship with her. I simply didn’t know how to get it. I neglected the simple things like communication. I was unsure of what to say or how to say things that would be helpful and useful. Now, I realize not saying anything is just as damaging to a relationship as feeling every thing you say is being taken the wrong way. I still had so much to learn.
As I later discovered, my role was to be a good mother-in-law, not a second mom to her— she wasn’t me! She wasn’t in the same situation I had been as a young woman. God had already blessed her with a good mom. She didn’t need that same kind of relationship from me. But I had no experience to draw from on how to be a different kind of mother-in-law… my own relationship with Kitty was my only guide.
( Although I must say that while I realize I am not, nor will ever be her mom, I do love my daughter-in-law as if she was my own.)
I was so thankful to God for giving my son a good holiness wife. It’s the prayer of every Christian mother to see her children have a strong, Godly home. My husband and I both knew it was God’s will for Bill and Tiphanie to be married. Despite our blessing on their marriage, when our son moved out, our own home felt very empty for a long time. I struggled with this emptiness and loneliness. It was only natural to miss my son!
But we were so proud of the Godly husband Billy was becoming and we were overjoyed to see his faithfulness to God, to his new wife and to the home they were building together.
Tiph and I’s strained relationship was never in His plans. I really, really, really wanted to have a special bond with my daughter-in-law and I wanted her to know that I was always available for her or if she needed prayer or anything, I was always there. Looking back now, I always wanted to spend time together with her but I was reluctant to come right out and say it. I never fully relayed my heart’s desire to bond with her as well, and not just my son. I’m afraid my not doing or saying enough made her feel unloved or unwanted and certainly made her uncomfortable. I never intended for her to feel that way.
It’s not necessary for me to write the in and outs of our relationship in the earlier days (she touched on some of it) but what I really want others to know is that God is ever near to His children. He hears our prayers and He knows our hearts. The nights I spent in prayer over my daughter-in-law and our relationship were not in vain. At the same time, my daughter-in-law was in prayer over me and our relationship as well. With lots of forgiveness, grace, mercy, (along with some patience and long suffering!!)
God worked out the details in our tattered relationship and He can (and WILL—if you let Him!) do the same for anyone out there who may be struggling in their own relationships.
I can’t recall the exact time that healing began for me and my daughter-in-law but I can say that God did a great work and we now have such a amazingly, wonderful relationship. We have lots of laughter and joy that was never there in the early days. Laughter they say is the best medicine and with a very large dose of God’s mercy and His Grace, a new, wonderful relationship has bloomed. I love my daughter-in-law with all my heart and I know she loves me as well!! She has been a great help to me many times with her listening ear, wonderful advice, and relevant scriptures she would send me as an encouragement.
One time, I remember I was going through a very difficult day and Tiphanie sent me the perfect text of encouragement and a few minutes later, my own daughter sent me an e-card to encourage me. God used both my daughter-in-law and my daughter at the same time to help me. Now that’s what I call a God that is right on time. I’m still so far from a perfect mother in law (if there is such a thing😂) but God has absolutely turned things around for us and I’m ever so thankful 🥲
I do not want to ever tear down but rather, it is my desire to build up!! I want to please God in everything, including in my relationship with my daughter-in-law. We are living proof that no relationship is too far gone for repair. God can mend broken hearts and hurt feelings and fix those wrong expectations of how we think things should be or how things should go.
He makes all things new!
—Sis Mary Sizemore 🌸
🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶
He can take whatever's broken and make it just like new. You won't even recognize it when He's through.
He'll use it for His glory. He'll use it for your good. If you'll let it go, he can take it.
