Resentment and Bitterness go hand in hand. They are twin sins. I realize I already wrote a two part study on bitterness. I don’t want to redundant but I did want to touch on resentment here as well….(If you haven't read the posts on bitterness, go read them as well!)
What is resentment? Why is it so destructive? What effect will it have on us? How can we turn from resentment and bitterness to forgiveness?
Resentment is that deep feeling of displeasure or anger that we have toward someone because of a past offense. It is our painful memory of past hurts.
Resentment is the enemy of relationships. It destroys friendships and turns friends into enemies. But the most damaging effect of resentment is the destruction of the one who holds it.
A pastor was called to the bedside of a dying man. He was a man whom nobody liked. He was hard, bitter, and sullen. He lived in a tumble-down shack on the edge of town. When he went into town, he made it clear that he didn't want to speak to anyone, and he didn't want anyone to speak to him. Even the children ran from him. People wondered what had made him so bitter and mean. Some thought he had a guilty secret. Others were sure that he had committed some terrible crime and that he was a fugitive from justice. But they were all wrong. The simple truth was, when he was a young man, a friend had done him a grievous wrong. He was so angry about it that he said, "I'll remember it until my dying day." And he did. He said to the pastor who sat at his bedside, "I've gone over it every morning. I've thought about it every night. I've cursed that man a hundred times a day." Gasping for breath, he continued, "I see now that my bitterness and my resentment has eaten out my soul. My hate has hurt nobody but myself. But God knows that it has turned my life into hell."
Why do we Hold Resentment?
Of all the evil, destructive things that can happen to us, resentment is one of the worst. It is like a deadly germ, working constantly to gain power over us to destroy us. No right-thinking person would harbor and nourish a deadly germ in his body, knowing that this germ would eventually kill him. (Especially in this day and age!!) Yet many of us hold on to the sin of resentment which is far more destructive than any germ or pandemic .
Seeing that resentment is such a deadly sin, we might well ask, "Why do we hold on to resentment?" There are a number of reasons:
We feel justified in our resentment.
One reason why it is difficult for us to recognize the poisonous nature of resentment is that it seems right to us. We feel that we are justified in our resentment. We say to ourselves, "It is only natural to resent so-and-so."In order to justify our resentment, we often build in our mind a false image of the other person. We push aside the whole picture of what that person is and all the good and decent things he may have done and focus on his offenses against us.
It makes us feel superior.
When someone does something that offends or hurts us, we take a superior attitude toward that person. We say to ourselves, "I would never do a thing like that!" We like this feeling of superiority over others or this “holier-than-thou” attitude and so we hold on to our resentment.
We like to "keep score."
Sometimes we hold on to our resentments in order to have something to offset any future offenses we may commit. We want to be able to say, "Maybe I was wrong in that matter, but you did such-and-such to me."
We enjoy our resentments.
Strange as it may seem, we often keep our grievances alive for the pleasure we get out of them. We enjoy nursing our wounds and feeling sorry for ourselves after someone has offended us. We like other people to “side” with us and to validate our “hurts”.
Sometimes, we just allow the flesh to have too much control and our resentment may not even be due to a specific offense….sometimes it may stem from our own envy or jealousy towards a certain individual. Maybe they got something we thought we deserved more. Maybe their life is working out better than ours or maybe, they have nicer things than we have. Or it could even be that they have more influence, power, or authority than we have. No matter the specific reason for our dislike of that person, we resent them and allow our feelings to determine how we treat them —even when they may have never wronged us at all!! We just don’t like them or their accomplishments. But we must remind ourselves that envy and jealousy should have no place in the heart of a Christian.
Resentment grows into Bitterness
Resentment like bitterness is one of the most unusual of all sins. It is meant to punish the other person; yet it is far more hurtful to us than it could ever be to the other person. Sometimes the other person may not even be aware of having done anything wrong. So our resentment doesn’t harm them at all, but it is very destructive to us. If we hold on to resentment, it progresses into bitterness. As we discussed in the last couple articles, bitterness affects our health, our mind, our personality, and our relationship with God.
Like Bitterness, resentment too is poison to our body. Resentment, bitterness, hatred, and unforgiveness can cause ulcers, high blood pressure, and dozens of other diseases. It has been estimated by some doctors that as much as 90 percent of our illnesses are caused by anger, fear, resentment and bitterness.
Holding resentment and bitterness in your heart can cause you to lose sleep and to be tired most of the time. It will take away the enjoyment of your food. It will kill your happiness. In time, it will show in your eyes and in your face.
Resentment affects our mind.
It has been proved that resentment can and does bring on depression. Depressed people are often people who hold resentment against a loved one, friend, or relative who hurt them earlier in life. If you are one of these people, you will never know lasting victory over depression until you get rid of that resentment
Resentment affects our personality.
The more we resent someone, the more we think about him. And the more we think about a person, the more we become like him. It is a fact that, when you focus your emotions on someone, you tend to become like that person.
A teenager harboring resentment against a relative. When it was suggested by a youth leader that she should forgive that relative, the teenager said, "I'll never forgive that person as long as I live."The youth leader casually replied, "I'm sorry to hear that." "Why?" asked the teenager."Because in twenty years, you will be just like that relative," replied the youth leader. This thought so horrified the teenager that she said quickly, "Oh, no! In that case, I'll forgive her." (Bill Gothard)
Resentment affects our relationship with God.
When we pray the Lord's Prayer, we say something like this, "Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us."
When you pray this, you are saying, "God, please forgive me of my sins just like I forgive other people of their sins against me." If you don't forgive other people, you are actually asking God not to forgive you.
Forgiveness sets us Free
The only thing that can set us free from resentment and bitterness is forgiveness. But like I mentioned before, not many people have an accurate representation of what forgiveness truly is. Forgiveness is not trying to overlook sin or to pretend that it never happened. Forgiveness is not trying to forget. The forgetting part comes after forgiveness, not before.
What is forgiveness? Forgiveness is bearing the wrong or injury yourself and choosing to remember it no more. Forgiveness means that you give the person who wronged you a clean slate so far as you are concerned.
Forgiveness is costly. The one who forgives pays the price of the injury that he forgives. In order for Jesus to forgive us, He had to pay the penalty of our sins. This is why He died on the cross. It is costly to forgive, but it is more costly not to forgive. You may have remembered a certain offense for a long time. You may be thinking of it right now. That person may indeed have wronged you greatly, but that hurt has not done you nearly as much damage as you have done to yourself by holding on to resentment.
How to Turn from Resentment and Bitterness to Forgiveness
Recognize that God is the Judge.
People need to be judged for their wrong deeds, but you and I are not the ones to judge them. Judgment belongs to God. Like I said before, the Bible says,"Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written, 'Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,' says the Lord." Romans 12:19—God tells us not to try to "get even" or to avenge our own selves, but rather to forgive. When we forgive someone, we are turning that person over to God, recognizing that He alone has the right to judge and punish people for their wrongdoing.
Confess our sin to God.
The other person may have dealt you a grievous injury. If so, he is responsible to God for this. But, if you are holding onto resentment, you are sinning, and you are responsible to God for your own sins of resentment and bitterness. To deal with these sins, you must confess it to God and ask Him to cleanse you with the precious blood of His Son.
Kill out resentment and bitterness.
Resentment and bitterness are not minor vices. They are among the deadliest of all sins. We must pass the sentence of death upon them or they will pass the sentence of death upon us. Nursing resentment and holding onto bitterness is "living after the flesh," and the Bible says, "If ye live after the flesh, ye shall die…"(Romans 8:13)
Forgive even as Christ has forgiven you.
Forgiveness involves a choice on our part. We must choose to forgive. We may not feel like forgiving the other person, but God deals with our choices, not our feelings.You may say, "But suppose that person doesn't ask for forgiveness or even admit that she was wrong? How can I forgive her?”
As far as we can read from the Scriptures, no one ever came to Jesus in person and asked Him for forgiveness of their sins. Yet we read where Jesus did forgive people. He forgave them in a very special way. He forgave them unilaterally. The word "unilateral" looks like a very difficult word, but it is really not hard to understand. It means "one-sided." To forgive someone unilaterally means that you forgive her from your side, regardless of what she does. She may not ask for forgiveness. She may not even know that she needs to be forgiven. But you can choose to forgive her anyway.
The ones who crucified Jesus did not ask for forgiveness, but Jesus forgave them anyway. He prayed, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do." Forgiveness flowed out from His heart to those who did not ask for it or deserve it. This was a beautiful example of unilateral forgiveness.
He commands us to forgive others, even as He forgave us. The Bible says,
"Colossians 3:12-13 —[12] Put on therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, bowels of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering; [13] Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye."
Although the other person may never ask for forgiveness or even admit that she was wrong, you can still forgive! It will set your own soul free!
Trust the Holy Ghost to make your forgiveness real.
Forgiving others and getting rid of bitterness is the result of our working together with the Holy Ghost. We cannot do it by ourselves, and the Holy Ghost will make us forgive. We must choose to forgive. We must work together with Him. We choose it, and we trust Him to do it. The Bible says,
Romans 8:13 —For if ye live after the flesh, ye shall die: but if ye through the Spirit do mortify the deeds of the body, ye shall live.
We must ask the Holy Ghost to enable us to forgive and forget! We can "forgive" someone and then repeatedly "reinstate" their sin by dwelling on it. By refusing to forget it, we keep the resentment alive. God can enable us to forgive as He forgives—to forgive and forget. God says,"For I will be merciful to their unrighteousness, and their sins and their iniquities will I remember no more." Hebrews 8:12
Clara Barton, founder of the American Red Cross, was asked on one occasion if she was still speaking to so-and-so. "Why shouldn't I?" she replied. Her friend knew years ago the questionable person had committed an offense against Miss Barton. She reminded her of the offense. Her response was, "Oh, I distinctly remember forgetting that offense."
An important part of turning from resentment and bitterness to forgiveness is dealing with our feelings. We can choose to forgive and mean it with all our heart, but the hurt is still there. To be fully free from resentment and bitterness, we must deal with our feelings.
Is there a way we can deal with our feelings? Yes, there is! The way to deal with our feelings is to change the way we look at a matter. We cannot change the facts of a past situation, but we can change the way we look at the matter. Remember, we are controlled by the way we inwardly see and believe things to be.
Consider Joseph. We have already seen how Joseph's brothers hated him and sold him as a slave. The facts of the situation could not be changed. What had happened had happened. There was no changing the past. Yet Joseph was not resentful toward his brothers.
How did Joseph manage to have good feelings toward his brothers after all they had done to him? He put a proper meaning on those circumstances. He saw God's hand in all that had happened to him. He realized that God had used all those circumstances for his good. He said to his brothers,
"But as for you, ye thought evil against me; but God meant it unto good, to bring to pass, as it is this day, to save much people alive." (Genesis 50:20)
The story of Joseph teaches us this great truth: God can bring good out of a bad situation if we trust Him. God does not cause evil, but He can use it to bring about His purposes. The Bible says in Romans 8:28 —And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.
Notice that this verse does not say that we "see" or that we "understand," but that "we KNOW that all things work together for good to them that love God." We may not see or understand how all things are working together for our good, but we can know it because God says so.
Concerning our situation, we cannot change the facts. What has happened has happened, and we cannot change it. But we can trust God to bring good out of the situation. We can say,
"Lord, what that person did seems bad to me, but You said that all things work together for good to them that love You. I am believing You to bring good out of this just as You did in Joseph's case."
When we believe that God is using all things, even those things which seem bad to us, for our eternal good, we see things in a different way. We can actually thank God for the things that happened to us. This takes the hurt out of past offenses and sets us free from resentment. Concerning those who wronged us, we can say with Joseph, "ye thought evil against me; but God meant it unto good."
Allow God to work on your heart!! He longs to make you in His image…The closer you get to God, the more He works on the person you see in the mirror. If you are sincere in wanting to please God, you must allow His spotlight of love to shine in every dark spot in your heart!!
If we allow God to examine us, and we focus on our own selves, we will soon cry out— it’s not my brother, it’s not my sister, but it’s me, Oh Lord, standing in the need of prayer!!
The only person we can change is us!
Let God deal with everyone else!!
-Tiphanie ❤
Sooo wonderful written 🙏❤️