So what exactly is Jealousy, anyway?
Another definition I found when studying was : Jealousy is a complex emotion that encompasses feelings ranging from suspicion to rage to fear to humiliation. Jealousy can strike of people of all ages and gender. It is most typically aroused when a person perceives a threat to a valued relationship from a third party. The threat may be real or imagined.
Another one defines jealousy as : referring to the thoughts or feelings of insecurity, fear, and concern over a relative lack of possessions or safety. Jealousy can consist of one or more emotions such as anger, resentment, inadequacy, helplessness or disgust.
Yet another: Jealousy is an often overwhelming feeling of insecurity about a potential loss or inequity in distribution of resources. The term is also used to describe a feeling associated with being possessive of another person, such as a spouse or friend.
Ok, so now that we have a few good definitions of what jealousy is… let me sum up what I think jealousy is in more “Christian” terms.
I believe Jealousy is a spirit from Hell that tries to allow us in our homes and in our churches. The Devil will use that spirit of jealousy to whisper lies in our ears and if we aren’t being sober and being vigilant (aka “walking in the Spirit”) before too long, we begin to believe those lies and start to think things that just are not true. We begin to "act out" because of our insecurities. Once we allow jealousy to plant those seeds of evil thoughts in our mind and we give them time to take root, soon that plant of jealousy begins to thrive in our minds!!
There is nothing worse than dealing with a jealous spirit. I have encountered it in friendships. You know what I mean? Have you ever seen those people who can only have one friend at a time--and they think that that friend should only be their friend, and their friend, alone?!! If that friend tries to be friends with someone else, or if they can't be available at that person’s every beck and call, that jealous person pitches a fit and tries to "guilt" that person back into the exclusivity of just their friendship ( with just two of them alone).
Jealousy isn't a single sin!
It will always lead to additional sins. The jealous person will use whatever means possible to "keep their friend"--whether it be through anger, lying (or at least, exaggerating), manipulation, or intimidation.
I have seen jealousy destroy marriages. It is a great cancer! A jealous person will cause the other spouse great suffering.Because a jealous person feels so overwhelmed by their emotions and insecurities, they will begin to exert control over their partners. Eventually, jealousy can lead to resentment and defensiveness. It also will destroy the trust in a relationship and lead to more arguments, especially if the jealous person makes demands and constantly questions the other person.
It is something, that if present in your marriage, you should work hard to rid yourself of.
Now let me clarify something here real quick, don’t hear what I’m not saying—while the majority of all the connotation we associate with jealousy is evil, I do recognize that there are actually really two types of jealousy. There is an acceptable form of jealousy (GODLY) and there is a sinful form of jealousy. (Carnal) We know that Exodus 34:14 tells us that God is a jealous God. (We know that God isn't sinful so there must be the "okay" form of jealousy!) This jealousy in this verse means to zealously pursue what is right and good; to want allegiance solely. to guard; to protect—God commands us to "not have any other Gods before Him." While God desires man to serve Him singly, He never "makes" us. He gave all of us a free will. He gave us the choice to either serve Him, or to reject Him.
By God's own example concerning His people, it is a reasonable expectation that your spouse should be committed to you and remain faithful to you and you alone. This expectation is okay! The “Godly jealousy” that makes you want to safe guard and protect your marriage or your friendship from the attack of Satan is good. We should allow that Godly (territorial) jealousy to equip us with concern and care to endeavor to put a hedge about what the Lord has blessed us with ….But for the sake of longevity, I’m just focusing on the “carnal” (or the bad) type of jealousy today…
What gets marriages in trouble is that sometimes, a spouse forgets that love is a choice. They begin to try to "force" their spouse to love them and be faithful to them. This will never work long term. This type of manipulation is the sinful form of jealousy. The root cause of of jealousy usually stems from selfishness. Selfishness will make a person be so consumed with how they are being treated, or what they perceive. That jealous person will use manipulation, possessiveness, and pressure to try to force their spouse into behaving a certain way or saying exactly what they want them to. They try to mold their spouse into what their distorted definition of love is. There’s no doubt that jealousy IS a sin when a person becomes envious, boastful, rude and self-seeking.
1 Corinthians 3:3—For ye are yet carnal: for whereas there is among you envying, and strife, and divisions, are ye not carnal, and walk as men?
In Galation 5:20, we see a list of the works of the flesh. Emulation is listed among those evil deeds. Emulation in this verse (in the original language) is defined by most commentaries as simply means jealousy or being jealous of someone or their achievements in this passage. Sinful emulations are jealous thoughts and actions that cause a person to live in a state of hatred and envy….So from this, we can deduce that God listed emulations (jealousy) right up there with adultery, fornication, Idolatry, witchcraft, hatred, murders, drunkenness, etc.
Wow! For some reason, we Christians define SIN as big sins, little sins, bad sins, and not so bad sins, but God don’t look at it like that… when He sees sin, he views it all the same!! .
If you are constantly ”interrogating” your spouse to make sure they are still committed to you or you are always trying to manipulate your mate to make them do/say what you want, or are so possessive of them that you become controlling and overbearing, dear friend, you have insecurities and lack of trust. Your spouse shouldn’t feel like they have to give you a complete play by play of every second they are away your presence so you can approve or disaprove of their actions/conversations. If any of these descriptions sound familiar, you definitely need to pray and ask God to help you rid yourself of jealousy.
(Again, disclaimer: Accountability is a good thing. Just make sure it’s mutual. It doesn’t need to be controlling, demanding, or mean spirited. It should be instituted by a prior consental agreement for the sole purpose of being a safeguard, a boundary to protect what the Lord has given you.)
Figure out the reason you are jealous.
Has your spouse actually given you any reason to not trust them? If they have always been true and faithful to you, you must identify the real reason that you are jealous. More often than not, the main reason behind jealousy isn’t actually with your spouse. It is usually due to the deep seated insecurities and fears they are plaguing the jealous person’s mind. Like I mentioned earlier, the Devil loves to whisper lies in our minds and poison our thoughts. By using negative or evil thoughts, He can invade our lives and our homes If we don’t constantly “bring every thought into the obedience of Christ”… If your spouse is a Christian and they love God, they will be like Joseph (when Potiphar’s wife tempted him to sin)…. “ How can I sin against God?” Your “interrogations”, your detective skills, your manipulation, your anger/attitude and your nagging will never work to “keep” that spouse from temptation or sin… Only their love for God will truly enable them to love you correctly. Their love for God will keep them faithful and true both to Him, as as a result to you..
I have seen many jealous women over the years. I felt so sorry for their husbands. I know I sure wouldn’t have felt “loved, respected, and submitted to” if I were their husbands. Some of the tongues lashings that I have heard almost made me squirm with embarrassment for the poor guys. Especially when some of those guys are the meekest, nicest guys ever…One man was completely devoted to his wife. The wife, however, was oblivious to that fact, and was comsumed with insecurities, fears, and a jealous spirit. She allowed the enemy to have place in their marriage. The lady didn’t know the treasure she already possessed by having a God fearing husband. By allowing her thoughts be always be negative toward her spouse and always imagining the worst of him, she became so obsessed with “keeping” him faithful to her at all costs. In reality, she caused such a rift in their marriage due to her distrust and suspicion of him. Her constant interrogating, paranoia, and nagging actually pushed her husband away from her emotionally.This went on for years, getting worse and worse. Nothing he did pleased her. She was always accusing him of something or the other…He finally got tired of the constant fight and the struggle. He ended up walking away from her (note: definitely not the right reaction either…They both should have allowed the Lord to help their marriage much earlier than this) … but there wasn't another woman in the waiting or some other scandalous rendezvous like she imagined…He never even remarried. He just got tired of that jealous spirit.
“Few things turn off a mate faster than a suspicious, insecure, smothering and protectiveness. A jealous lover’s first concern is for self, which is the exact opposite of agape love (which is the type of love that God requires of marriage partners). Rather than being patient, the jealous lover zealously pursues what he or she wants, even to the extreme of controlling someone else.” (excerpt taken from the book Marriage… From Surviving to Thriving: author C.S)
The Bible also tells us that Jealousy is a cruel as the grave!! 😱🪦💀
Song of Songs 8:6 KJV
[6] Set me as a seal upon thine heart, as a seal upon thine arm: for love is strong as death; jealousy is cruel as the grave: the coals thereof are coals of fire, which hath a most vehement flame.
Identifying the cause of your jealousy Identifying why we are feeling such feelings is sometimes more difficult because it requires a lot of honesty. What are some of the main causes of the jealous feelings that consume you? Jealousy can result from comparing yourself with others, failure to trust people, personal insecurity, competition with others, or the fear of your spouse replacing you with someone else . Your jealousy may be because of one or even a compilation of all of these things . The only way to get free from jealousy completely is by dealing with these issues in your heart. You cannot expect that your jealous behavior will just miraculously disappear on its own just because you want it to. You must use God’s Word if you ever hope to find victory from jealousy.
Stop comparing yourself. Comparing yourself with other people is one of the most common causes of jealousy. Paul even warned the Corinthian church of the dangers of comparison among themselves.
2 Corinthians 10:12 —For we dare not make ourselves of the number, or compare ourselves with some that commend themselves: but they measuring themselves by themselves, and comparing themselves among themselves, are not wise.
The constant comparison among people at that church was destroying the love and harmony among the believers. Just like it did at Corinth, it will destroy your relationship with your spouse or a friend (or anyone) if you allow it to.
Why is it so bad?
Well, When you compare yourself with another person it will cause you to take one of two positions.
You will either consider yourself superior or inferior to that person. Either attitude is sinful pride (Rom. 12:3). Pride will always cause strife and separates people (Prov. 28:25). This is why comparing yourself with others is so unwise.
The only solution to this problem of comparison is to stop looking at yourself as better or worse than others. The reality is that you are equal to others. Can you look someone that you think is more beautiful, more popular, more successful, or more spiritual than you are and believe that you are totally equal to them in the sight of God? Do you truly believe that God sees you as absolutely the same? If not, then you have a comparison problem that is contrary to God’s Word.
The Bible tells us that there is no difference between people in God’s eyes. God doesn’t have no respect of persons. So if it doesn’t matter to God, we must allow God to help us to quit comparing ourselves with others. God made us just who we are. Instead of resenting others who we feel are superior to us, we need to allow God to help us see everyone as equals. We are neither lesser than nor greater than anyone. Right views on this will help to put your wrong comparisons to rest.
Resolve the trust issues. Another big reason for jealousy is lack of trust. Perhaps you been hurt by someone close to you or in a previous relationship/friendship ? If you have, then this issue must be resolved in your heart. (Forgive that person. Allow God to give you grace for that hurt.) Do you think that everyone who is close to you will hurt you? If so, that’s part of the problem.
The solution to having trust issues is to believe that God loves you and He puts His love in your spouse (or whoever you are having issues with) Because of their love for God, and the Love that God puts in their heart, your spouse (or that person in your life) isn’t out to hurt you or to be malicious. Not everyone is unfaithful, untrustworthy, or consumed with themselves. But, if you think all people are like this then you will put up a wall around you and you will not let anyone become too close to you. You will attempt to control and manipulate everyone around you. This behavior won’t produced your desired results, however. Instead of keeping, it will actually drive people away from you. You must stop blaming your spouse (or that person in your life ) for what someone else did to you. This is not fair! Stop making them take blame for how someone else hurt you and just deal with your spouse or your friend on their own merits.
Deal with your own insecurities.
Battling with insecurity is one of the great struggles within a soul. Whether you are battling spiritual insecurity, or relational insecurity, there is hope if you want help!!
We may feel like we are lacking or not as spiritual as Sis So-and-so. Well, we know God isn’t a respect of persons. What is Sis So-and-so has with God is just as available to you as it is to her. The difference is are you willing to pay the same price? It is easy to feel unworthy or insecure. The Devil makes sure to fill our minds with such thoughts. We must realize Jesus paid the ultimate price so that we could have full access to the Father!! We can have as much of God as we are willing to get!
It all depends on us !
Allow God to help you work on your relationship.
Remember the story of Saul and David??
It is a prime example of insecurities left unchecked that resulted in full blown hatred and jealousy. Due to Saul’s own insecurities, he didn’t believe David loved him and was loyal to him. He thought David was just after his throne. He couldn’t handle the people praising David for his achievements. The Devil filled Saul’s mind with negative, evil thoughts about David. Saul began to question David’s every movement. He doubted his motives.
In this story, you can see how Saul became so jealous of David that their relationship became so strained. Due to his jealousy, Saul literally tried to kill David!! It is clear from the Bible that David truly did care about Saul and wanted to serve his king in any way he could.
1 Samuel 16:21–And David came to Saul, and stood before him: and he loved him greatly; and he became his armourbearer.
Because of his poisoned mind, Saul could not believe that David loved him. So, Saul persecuted and abused David and put himself into constant comparison/competition with him. As a result, Saul ruined his relationship with David and literally drove him away.
Sadly, husbands and wives do this same thing to each another in their marriages all the time because of their own imagined evil thoughts and insecurities.
How can we rid our homes/lives of jealousy? Make sure that you are not creating your own problem. Examine yourself to see why it seems the relationship is so strained . Look at your own behavior to determine if you are being offensive to the other person by your attitude, speech, or actions. If you are behaving offensively or selfishly, this is an issue that you must ask God to forgive you of. Offensive, possessive, or manipulative behavior will always cause others to resent you. However, notice David in our story…Because he behaved wisely, the people accepted him.
1 Samuel 18:5— And David went out whithersoever Saul sent him, and behaved himself wisely: and Saul set him over the men of war, and he was accepted in the sight of all the people, and also in the sight of Saul's servants.
You should never force your presence upon others and become overbearing in any relationship. Don’t be controlling, clingy, possessive, obnoxious, or demand attention from others.
Another thing I have also seen is that kids grow up in homes where Mama and Daddy didn’t kill out that spirit of jealousy. They allowed it to take up residence in their home. They learned how to tolerate it— how to cope with it. They just accepted its presence to be just part of life. Because the kids always saw jealousy present in the home growing up, they accepted that spirit as the norm—just part of marriage—part of life! So when those kids grew up, they too packed up that spirit of jealousy and moved it right into their own homes as well… dear sisters, these things ought not be!! We must stop the cycle! Break the curse! Don’t allow that same spirit that caused marital discord in your parents’ home to take up residence in yours.
So, If you are feeling insecure or jealous,
there is a solution!! We must first recognize our past behavior as sinful and repent before God. We must put off these sinful behaviors and put on godly ones (Col. 3:12-14).
If you struggle in your friendships, as you allow God to change your behavior and you try to be more like Christ, you will begin to make real friends. If you struggle in your marriage, as you follow after God’s Word, your attitude will change and soon, your spouse will notice the difference…Use the law of replacement!! Replace those bad thoughts with good ones !! Keep your mind centered on God!
Philippians 4:8— Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.
In order to overcome jealousy, you should also choose to love and serve others before you expect them to serve you. True maturity is revealed when we become others-centered instead of being self-centered. Selfishness is the simply a fruit of immaturity.
“Philippians 2:2-4 —Fulfill ye my joy, that ye be likeminded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind. [3] Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves. [4] Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others.
Notice that love and unity with others is the result of taking the focus off you and humbly seeking to serve others. Loving in this manner will always result in lasting relationships with others.
The closer you become to God first and foremost, then the closer you become to your spouse and the more you build your marriage, the less hold jealousy will have in your home. The more you build the relationship between you and your spouse the more secure you will become emotionally. When you are truly one—together— and you both are build your marriage—you are walking in God’s precepts and allowing Him to be the center of your marriage, jealousy will have to take a backseat to trust, confidence, loyalty and commitment. Your heart will “safely trust” in your spouse. Because you are both serving each other and meeting all each other‘s needs, there will be no room for doubt or anxiety. As the Proverbs 31 woman could testify to us— when you have that husband’s heart; when you have that husband’s trust; he doesn’t have need of any “spoil” (or anyone/thing else beside his wife )
She is enough for him!! She don’t have to fret and worry! She has security in her husband!! Their relationship is strong! It isn’t superficial or build on “sand”! They build it right! They build their marriage on a solid rock foundation!!
They are confident that it will stand the storms!
That’s powerful!!
Proverbs 31:11–The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.
Women of God, Don’t allow the enemy to creep in our homes and our churches through cruel spirit of jealousy!! We need strong homes! We need strong churches! We need strong marriages!! We need each other!!
Let’s weed out that plant 🌱 of jealousy!! And watch God restore some strength and stability in our lives!!
-Tiphanie ❤️
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